


Underbelly

by wannabuyahotcat



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mobtale, Alternate Universe - Monsters Weren't Sealed Underground, Alternative Universe - Underfell, Big monsters, Blood, Death, Drunk Sans, F/F, F/M, Gore, Karaoke, M/M, Mettaton is a jerk, Reader is OC, Reader is named, Sans Has Issues, Smut, asriel frisk and chara are siblings, chara and frisk are adopted, graphic description of violence, if you can really call it that, monster mobsters, reader is female
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2018-11-20 02:24:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11326695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannabuyahotcat/pseuds/wannabuyahotcat
Summary: The city of Ebott was not one many humans resided in. It belonged solely to the Monsters, and was known as the Underground. The Dreemurr family had overseen the running of their cartel for decades, building themselves up as a fearsome group. There weren't many human families that even came close to the power and wealth they held, nor the formidable soldiers. Namely their two best hit-men; The Judge and The Executioner, known affectionately to most as the 'Bone Brothers'.Of course, many had tried and subsequently failed to stake claim to the long held throne. Things like that were usually swept under the rug fairly easily, but something about these latest challengers..





	1. Pun for your life

A human woman walked into a Monster bar. It could be the set up to some kind of bad joke, but to the Monsters who owned the city, it was far from that. There were definite no go areas for humans in the Monster run towns.

Grillby's bar was one of them.

She pushed the heavy wooden door open, triggering the bell above it and immediately drawing attention to herself. Every monster in the room turned to stare her down. What was a human doing here, so brazenly stepping into their territory? Did she want to be killed?

An eerie silence fell over the bar, the only sounds the clicking of her short heels on the dark, hardwood floor. She made her way up to the counter, hopping up onto one of the bar stools and waving a hand to the violet fire elemental standing off to the side. The smirk she wore was a dangerous thing, surrounded by so many who wished her dead.

"Hey, I'll have a glass of scotch. Thanks."

A middle aged, too youthfully dressed Bird monster shot a sideways glance at the frumpy looking Fish monster she was sat next to before laughing.

"Grillby says we don't serve your kind here."

The human's smirk only grew. "Oh, I see.. I have your currency, and I was planning on drinking a fair amount too. Shame." She held up a large handful of gold coins, making the barkeep fizzle with internal conflicts. Yes, he hated her kind, but he loved the money more. The Bird monster giggled at the little flickering sparks.

"Hehehe, Grillby says he'll serve you, but you had better pick another chair if you want to live to see morning."

"Oh? Why's that then?"

The Fish monster snorted, sounding like he was breathing in with a cold. "That there is Sans' seat, an' he dun take kindleh t' others sittin' there. 'Specially not some filthy 'uman."

The woman smiled, tapping at her chin with a crimson nail. "Sans.. Sans, where have I heard that name before.. Oh, wait. He's one of the 'Bone Brothers', isn't he. The ' _Judge_ '? Heh.. Cute. I don't see his name on this bar stool."

The bird looked a little uncomfortable as others in the bar laughed at her stupidity.

"You really must have a death wish, lady. Heh, Grillby agrees."

The fire elemental brought her the drink, holding out his hand before he put it on the counter. She sighed, grinning up at the faint eyes she could see through the flames. "Okay, I'll pay up front. Here." She threw a few gold coins onto the bar, which he scooped up eagerly. Now she had paid, he reluctantly placed the drink before her. She picked it up, watching the amber liquid as she swirled her glass, then looking at him over the rim. "Thank's Grillby."

He slunk back to the other end of the bar, as she took out a pack of cigarettes. With practiced movements, she took one and lit up, breathing out a cloud of smoke into the air above her.

The rest of the bar kept their eyes on her, completely in the dark on her intentions. Was she just a foolish girl trying to get herself taken out? Or maybe she was one of those sympathisers who seemed to crop up every now and then. They never lasted that long, as neither sides wanted anything to do with them. More often than not taking them out before they got to be a problem.

After a while, some began to lose interest in her. All she was doing was drinking and smoking, her head cocked to the side as she watched whatever sport was on the TV above the bar. Human football was on, and monsters would often bet on it, like one might bet on a dog or a horse in a race. They had more respect for the animals, however.

It had been a good half an hour or so, and the Bird monster couldn't take the curiosity anymore.

"Ugh! Why are you even here? What are you trying to prove?"

The human didn't react at first, the Bird about to say something when she slowly looked over. "What do you mean? I'm fairly new in town, saw this place and thought it looked like a good place to get a few drinks. I'm not sure why you're all so perplexed. I'm only human." She finished her little speech with a wink and a smirk.

Yep, she was definitely asking for it.

She smirked harder at the disgruntled looks she got, taking a drag on her cigarette, when the sound of the front door made everyone stop and freeze. The bell's tinkle broke through the silence like glass shattering.

A tall, stocky figure made his way in. The dark of the shadows obscured him, a fedora hung low over one eye.

He crossed the floor with everyone's rapt attention. No one dared to take their eyes off of him as he passed them. He'd been known to dust monsters for less. For them, it was in their best interest to pay him only the utmost respect.

She watched as Grillby seemed to nod to the new face, quickly heading out the back to get something. She didn't even bat an eyelid when the huge monster stood directly behind her. The bird and fish were sitting back, watching for her reaction.

She felt hot breath on the back of her neck. It absolutely reeked of cheap cigars and mustard.

"ey, toots. ya probably dunno it, but tha's _my_ seat."

She looked down at her drink, picking it up and swirling it in her hand. Everyone waited with baited breath to see what she would do.

"Hmm, call me toots again, and I'll shove my toots so far up your ass that I'll be wearing your face as a shoe."

The room stilled, an almost static buzz filling the air as everyone sat stunned. Had she really just said that, and to him? Was she fucking suicidal?!

Grillby had stepped out of the kitchen holding a bottle of mustard, which he promptly dropped when she spoke those words. The two monsters next to her at the bar looked equal parts horrified and amused.

No one expected for him to burst into deep, bellowing laughter.

"holy fuck, tha' was a good one! wear m' face as a shoe? heh. yer pretty brave fer such a tiny li'l thing.. I like that."

He wiped away a non-existent tear as he calmed down. The woman was still staring into her drink like it was the most interesting thing in the room. "Mmm, glad I could get a giggle. Not to _toots_ my own _shoehorn_ , but my jokes never tend to fall _flats_."

The barflies were sat in silent awe.

"heh, an' she likes puns too. a gal aft'a m' own soul. mind if i take a seat 'ere?"

She shrugged, butting out her cigarette as he slid in beside her. "Knock yourself out."

Grillby nipped over with a fresh bottle of mustard, placing it down on the bar before stepping away.

The monster next to her raised a hand in thanks, and the fire elemental left again. He grabbed the bottle of mustard, winding his large, clawed hands around it. When he brought it to his mouth, she couldn't help but notice out of her peripheral vision just how sharp his teeth were. One pointed gold tooth ominously glinting in the warm lights of the bar.

"so, wha's a sweet li'l thing doin in such a shit'ole. aren't ya scared ya might get eaten by a big scary monster?"

She scoffed, not even turning to look at him. "Heh, wow. If you're gonna offer that, at least buy me dinner first, Sans."

He seemed to bristle a little, chuckling at her little quip.

"ah, so m' reputation precedes me, i see. ya wanna know what i did wi' th' last human t' sit in my seat?"

"Pray tell. I'm dying to know." She drawled. It should have irritated him, but for some strange reason her nonchalant attitude just spurred him on. It was almost like a challenge.

"i gutted 'im, an 'ung 'im from the top o' th' statue in glenn memorial park. might'a seen tha' on th' news." He gloated. He was particularly proud of that one. Took him a whole 10 minutes to get him to stay up there, and he managed to get blood on one of his favourite suits in the process. He still wasn't entirely sure if it was really worth it, but, oh well.

"Not that I can recall." She took another sip of her drink. "Did you use his innards to hang him up? That would have been kind of cool. Morbid, but interesting."

This girl! Why wasn't she trembling at his feet already? Human women usually jumped at the chance to, eh, jump his bones. But her? She gave him the impression she couldn't give any less of a shit about him.

"ya playin' wi' fire, comin' to a place like this. being a human.. n' such a lovely one, a'that." He gently purred. Maybe he could find a way to charm the pants off her still. Was really the only thing he thought human women were good for.

Nope. Not even a twitch.

"Are you done trying to get a rise out of me, so you can get a rise? Seriously, the whole 'scary gangster' thing is so old and overdone.. _Ohhh_ , playing with fire. 'Cause the barkeep is made of fire, I get it."

He couldn't hold back a snort of laughter, and apparently, neither could she.

He didn't even care that she had just tried to insult him.

"heh, to- i mean, dollface. you's a righ' riot. hows 'bout i buy ya another drink, ey?"

"I won't say no to free booze. Why not." She smiled, finally looking across at him. His sharp teeth were bared in a smile, as red glowing magic peeked out from under his hat.

"alrigh' then.. oi! grillbz! two'a ya finest scotch, n another bottle o' mustard."

He watched the purple fire elemental slip off to fetch the drinks, before turning back to his quarry. She was for sure a pretty young thing. Not the usually kind of ditzy, skinny human women he'd usually go after, but she was still fine. She had a nice curve to her body. Her dark brown curls sat framing her pale, chubby face. Red lips leaving lipstick marks on the glass she drank out of. Her long lashes flicked as she looked him down.

"You know, for a skeleton, you're kind of.. Plump."

"I take tha' as a complement, babydoll." He chuckled, his clawed fingers coming up to flick up the brim of his hat. His eye socket glowed with a blood red light, forming what looked like a giant iris. "m'besides, i'm more than jus' a skeleton. i got substance where it matters, swee'heart."

"Was that supposed to be some kind of innuendo?" She smirked, not even acknowledging Grillby as he placed the new drinks down and buggered off. "Really, for a guy in such a nice suit, you could stand to be a bit classier."

"not all'a us are as refined 'n sittin' pretty as y' are, swee'cheeks."

She abandoned the glass she was nursing, the ice having melted and watered it down, in exchange for the new one. "What's with all these pet names, Sans. Too far in to even ask me what my name is? Tsk tsk."

"alrigh' then. wassit?"

" _Wassit what?_ " She mocked.

"was'ya name, kitten?" He growled lowly, a spark of irritation finally starting deep in his soul.

"That's a bit better. My name is.. Dawn."

"s'a pretty name." He purred as he moved closer. "so, dawn, ya never answered m'question."

"Mmmm?" She offered, sipping at her drink, watching with amusement as he tried to butter her up. "What was it again?"

He finally took a swig of his own drink, his free hand winding around her to caress at her waist with sharp, digging claws.

  
"was' such a sweet li'l thing, doin' in a dive like this?"

 


	2. Get Drunked On

".. and that's the story of the time I shot my landlord in the leg for trying to steal my good silverware. He still limps around telling people it was from a gang fight he won."

Sans cracked up, his 5th glass of scotch hanging precariously from his hand, his other arm draped across her shoulder. He'd already been through 7 or 8 bottles of mustard too, the condiment seemingly having the same affect as alcohol on the chunky skeleton monster. She was still nursing her third scotch, knowing better than to get drunk in a place like this. A nice buzz was enough to sate her.

"ha! fuckin' chump! all tha' an' 'e didn't get nuthin' but a fucked up leg. like me a dame who knows 'er way round a gun, heh."

She shifted in her seat a little, the strong smell of mustard and alcohol mixed together making her feel a little green.

"Can you try and breathe in the other direction? You smell like a drunk hotdog.."

This only made him laugh harder. By now most of the patrons of the bar had gone back to their various undesirable doings, no longer interested in the weird human. It wasn't like anyone was going to mess with her, now that the Judge had taken a shine to her.

"ha! a drunk hotdog!" He slurred, his expression lewd. "ey.. ey! i gotta wiener fer ya!"

"Oh god, please don't." She groaned. The flame bartender looked like he was laughing, his shoulders shaking as his hand came up to cover where his mouth should have been. "Is he usually like this when he's plastered?"

Grillby nodded, turning to serve another customer as she sighed.

"doll.. love.. doll! babe?"

"Not your babe, but what is it horndog corndog?" She snapped, turning to face him. He stared into her face with a blank expression.

"... i forget."

"Well done."

"th' fuck 's m' drink?"

"It's in your hand, Sa-"

"hey! who fuckin' took m' drink!?"

She let out air through her nose, pinching the bridge of it. "Jesus, give me strength- Uhhh.." She froze at the feeling of something clamping down on her ass.

She looked down, only to see his arm wrapped down around her hip, his large claws dangerously close to tearing holes in her pants.

What the hell. If she made a scene about it then she would have to leave, and she didn't want to just yet. "Sans?"

"yeah, kitty?" He slurred. The hand at her butt moved around a little as he looked her up and down, his eye sockets lidded.

She grabbed the glass that was about to drop out of his hand, placing it back down in front of him. "Look, I found your drink."

"heh, thanks babe, where wassit?"

"... Grillby, could I get a glass of water? Thanks.."

***

According to the Bird, Grillby didn't do water, so she sat drinking the melting ice from her drinks instead.

A few more drinks and Sans was well and truly legless. She'd had her fill, and finally decided to go home and sleep. She would have to anyway, because as she went to get up, Grillby rang a bell to signal time.

"How much do I owe you, Grillby?" She asked, pulling out another handful of coins. She was about to hand them over when Sans grabbed sloppily at her sleeve.

"naaaah, putt'er on m' tab, grillbz."

Even though Grillby's body language screamed that he'd rather not, she pocketed the coins, very accepting of his drunken generosity. "Aww, thanks Sans."

"y' welcome, kitten.. gonna.. gonna get up in a sec. hol' on.."

God, he looked pathetic. He was struggling just getting up from the bar stool. Why was she even considering helping him?

"Ugh, come on." She groaned, latching her arm under his armpit and pulling. He was much heavier than she thought he would be, for someone made of nothing but bones. "Shit, you're a big boy."

"tha's wha' most dames say, heh heh heh."

"Not gonna dignify that with a response." She yanked his arm again, finally getting him standing. Did she regret it when he flopped onto her, putting his weight onto her as she squaked? Yes. Yes she did.

She struggled to shoulder the hulking monster out into the street and to his car, him grunting as he moved to fish his keys out of his pocket. She didn't like where this was going.

"Sans, you're not driving. You're drunk."

He slipped off of her, making a clunk noise as he hit the side of his car. "mmm fiiine, jus'.. keys.."

"You're fucking sloshed. Can't even unlock the bloody door! Look at you!"

He fumbled the keys, smacking them against the lock before dropping them into the dirty gutter water below him.

"... fuck."

Smacking her hand against her forehead, she rolled her eyes and sighed. "I told you.. You're not getting behind the wheel. I'll drive you if I have to."

"but ya drank too, ya fuckin' * _hic_ * hypocrite!" He growled, attempting to reach down to get his keys. She could already see him falling arse over skull into the same mucky water.

"I didn't drink until I was legless, you reprobate."

He looked like he was going to argue, but eventually shut his mouth, trying to steady himself against his car and stand up straighter. "fine! fine.. where'd ya park?"

"About a block down? Ugh, here, I'll get your keys for you. Don't trust you not to keel over if you try."

She bent down next to him to pick them out of the silty gunk. The keys were coated in grey, runny mud, and it smelt just as bad as it looked. "Eugh! What, do people shit in the streets here or something?"

Sans chuckled, his hazy eyelights fixed on the keys. "heh, dun' doubt it, babe.. wha' do i do wit' th' bucket?" He motioned to his car, before grabbing the keys out of her outstretched hand and stuffing them in his jacket. That pocket was done for.

"You can come back some other time and get it. I don't want your mangled corpse and dust on my conscience if you happen to crash. Which you will. Now, come on."

She started off, listening to him stumble behind her like some kind of intoxicated puppy. She was surprised he was still on his feet at all by this point.

Things were going well, considering. Well, until he went to reach for the passenger door handle, only to slip and fall flat to the sidewalk with a rattling thud.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!"

She rounded the car, her hands snapping to her hips as she looked down at his pathetic bulk. He'd closed his eyes, his hat sitting offside as he started to yawn.

"No.. No, no, no, no, no! Get your bony ass up! I'm not gonna try and pick you up again, you're heavy as fuck!"

He growled, swatting at her legs, just barely nicking the fabric of her pants. With his sharp claws, they ripped right through like butter. "Oh, and now you've gone and ripped my good pants. Great job. 10/10. Gold fucking star! Ugh. Get up, Judge. I'll even open the door for you, how about that."

After a lot of groaning and complaining, she finally had him sat back in his seat. She ran around and climbed into the drivers side, sighing as he leaned his head back.

"All right. You'd better stay awake, y'hear? I need you to tell me where I'm going."

He stirred, moaning with his head over his eye sockets. "ya go down t' third and keep goin' 'til ya reach the cemetery. m' place is round the back."

She hummed. "Heh, oddly fitting."

"shut th' fuck up." He growled, baring his sharp teeth pathetically. "yeah, ha ha ha, a skeleton tha' lives near a cemetery. so fuckin' funny."

She must have hit a nerve, but she still had to smirk as she put her own keys in the ignition, her car roaring to life and making him jump.

"Heh, she's a noisy ol' girl. Right, I'll take your drunk arse home, and then I can get some sleep."

The drive was spent mostly in silence, the radio turned way down low as it played out some jazz songs. She gave him the odd look, just to make sure he was still alive. He seemed to have drifted off easily, his chest rising and falling gently as he somehow breathed. Getting him out of the car would be fun.

"I didn't sign up for this shit. God damnit.."

By the time she was pulling into the street behind the cemetery he was out cold. Not even the deep potholes they clambered over stirred him. She realised she was likely going to have to drag his ass out of her car.

The only house she could assume was his was a large three story building with high fences, and lavish gardens. It was the only one on the street that looked fit for members of the Dreemurr family. Well, at least she could try and drop him off at his doorstep.

Cutting the engine, she leaned over to poke the sleeping giant, noting that he was drooling in his sleep. Red saliva dripped down from his chin onto the lapel of his suit. Would that stain?

That would be such a bitch to get out of wool.

She made her way to the passenger side, opening the door and grabbing him by the arm. She doubted he would wake up, even with rough treatment. Probably wouldn't even remember most of his night out. It was going to sap the last of her lingering energy to get him up to the threshold, but she didn't want to just leave him in the middle of the driveway.

Heh, why did she care. He was just another handsy, drunk arsehole.

"You seriously owe me one, buddy."

She pulled him out of the car, most of his body falling to the ground with a clatter once gravity got to work. It sounded somewhat painful, but he still didn't rouse. Best to just keep going. Once he was out of the car, pulling him along wasn't so bad.

The oversized oak doors she found herself standing before would have been intimidating, were it not for the carved reliefs of edgy skulls and weaponry. Tacky. She dropped his arm, letting it fall to the tiles with a satisfying clank. There was a bell there to ring, but it was going on 2 in the morning. She didn't want to be 'that person', so knocking would have to do, and if no one heard it Sans could sleep under the stars for the night.

Like he would even notice.

He was too busy snoring, anyway.

She gave the door a good bashing, hoping to wake someone up to come and take him inside. It wasn't even a few seconds before a short, round looking monster with one large eye opened the door. He looked up at her in irritated awe. "What? It's 2 in the morning? What do you want?"

She stepped aside, revealing the sprawled out skeleton, who sounded like he was trying to inhale his tongue. He was a skeleton, did he even have one?

"Is this where he lives?"

The short monster looked down at him like he was something unpleasant. "Drunk?"

"Very drunk." She smirked. His demeanor seemed to soften. "Oh, alright. Bring him in. I will fetch his brother to come and get him. Like hell I'll be able to budge him."

She picked his arm back up, dragging him into the lavish foyer. There were paintings all around, dark wood furniture lined the walls. It was a pretty swanky setup. Once she had him inside, the small monster took his leave. She reckoned she should wait until his brother turned up, so she could explain what happened. Sans might need to be reminded where his car was.

Maybe she regretted that decision upon hearing the booming voice from upstairs.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? PASSED OUT DRUNK? UGH, AGAIN? FINE! I WILL GO FETCH HIM IN A MO- A HUMAN WOMAN? WELL, PUT HER OUT! ISN'T THAT WHAT WE PAY YOU FOR? PROBABLY A HOOKER OR SOMETHING. FILTHY BASTARD."

Wow, that was sure something to assume. She would have been offended if it weren't so comical. Sans gave a snort at her feet, and she had an idea. He did owe her for this. She wasn't so kind to just anybody, let alone drunks who kept trying to grope her arse all night. Grabbing a shopping receipt out of her bag, she picked up a pen and jotted down her number, along with 'You owe me for dragging your drunk arse home. Food will do. Dawn'. There, that would do.

She slipped the paper into his coat's lapel pocket, so that it was sticking up like a square.

She stood up in time for thunderous footsteps to ring through the house, another skeleton monster quickly stomping into the room. The short monster followed behind him, struggling to keep up with his wide gait.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?"

He sneered at her, or what she guessed was a sneer. His bones were so pointed and angled that he probably looked like that 24/7.

She sighed, pointing to Sans, who had rolled over onto his side in his sleep. "I brought him home for you. Stupid bastard was gonna try and drive completely pissed. His car is parked outside of Grillby's, where he left it. I'll see myself out."

She turned to head towards the door, when a hand grabbed her shoulder. She turned to look up into the sharp skeleton's face. He looked almost relieved- Nope, it was back to a scowl.

"THANK YOU, HUMAN. AS MUCH AS I DETEST YOUR KIND.." He growled, and she brushed his hand away. It seemed to make him pause.

"Just didn't want him getting hurt. Night."

The shorter monster grabbed the door, opening it and bowing. Hmm, strange. She wasn't expecting that.

Not even looking back, she listened to the door slam behind her, yelling inside being muffled by thick wood. When she got to her car, she climbed in and let her head rest on the steering wheel. Okay, now she could go home and sleep. She really needed it after such a long day. The slight buzz she felt from drinks before had already worn off, so now she only felt tired.

Starting the car and pulling on her belt, she turned out of the driveways and set off for home.

***

"WELL, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?"

Sans groaned at the sound of his brother's nasally voice, that and the bright morning light falling across his eye sockets from the now open drapes. Okay, he definately had a hangover. "uggh.. paps, keep it down, i'm dyin' 'ere.."

"AND YOU JUST MIGHT HAVE, HAD THAT HUMAN NOT GONE OUT OF HER WAY TO BRING YOU BACK HERE." Papyrus glowered over Sans, his arms wound tight against his chest. "YOU WERE REALLY GOING TO DRIVE BLIND DRUNK? YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT!"

"wha'.. huh?"

"ELOQUENT AS ALWAYS, BROTHER. THAT HUMAN FEMALE BROUGHT YOU BACK HERE AND YOU HAD PASSED OUT. I HAD TO DRAG YOUR SORRY ASS UP THE STAIRS MYSELF. HOW THAT FLIMSY LITTLE THING EVEN GOT YOU FROM HER CAR TO THE FRONT DOOR IS A MIRACLE!"

Papyrus kept on, but Sans tuned it out. He was used to his brother waking him up to lecture him on something or other.

"pap, would ya fuck off, m' skull is killin' me.."

"SERVES YOU RIGHT!" Papyrus snapped, pulling off the blankets and storming over to his brother's closet. "I WILL GET YOUR CLOTHES READY. NOW GO SHOWER, YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT."

"awww, i love ya too, papy." Sans snickered, just as he was hit in the face with a pair of clean slacks. "fuckin'!"

He may as well just get up and shower. He and Papyrus were supposed to be escorting Lady Dreemurr and her children on a trip to the zoo that day, and that evening he was to be seen at a dinner party Don Asgore had set up. He hated all the ponce that came with his position. He just wanted to clip people and get drunk. Nice dame on the side now and then when he wasn't feeling too lazy. That was the life.

Papyrus set out a fresh suit on the bed, before giving his brother an accusatory glare and stepping out. He didn't need to slam the door, but he did it anyway. Sans posture slumped as soon as his brother was out of the room.

"ugh.. why'd i fuckin' drink so much. stupid muddafucker.."

He pulled off his jacket, reaching into his pocket to check for cash or anything else. Papyrus made a new rule that anything left in clothing was his, and Sans had lost at least $100 already. He didn't want to lose any more. His fingers wrapped around his keys, noting they were greasy. When he pulled them out he was horrified.

"th' fuck is tha'.." He gave the grey residue a tentative sniff, regretting it instantly. "eugh! what th' fuck is.." They were quickly dropped onto the sheets, wiping his hand on the fabric next to them. He'd clean up later.

He started to strip off for his shower, finally noticing the folded paper sticking up out of his lapel pocket. He picked it out, unfolding it. Oh.

"heh.. so, i almost got ya home, eh kitten."

He chuckled to himself, grabbing his phone from the floor where it must have fallen the night before, and putting her number in. He'd take her out to eat, alright, and maybe afterwards she could come back for dessert. Wink wink.

Scrunching the note up, he threw it in the trashcan just inside the door to his bathroom.

Steam soon filled the large ensuite, as he wound the taps and stepped under the stream of hot water. So what if showering did make him feel marginally better, like he was going to let Pap know he was right. He was always right.

He let the water wash away the stale sweat and dirt from the day before, scrubbing at his face and at the lines that were left after his drool had dried. He would have the red marks for a few days at least. He silently mourned for his jacket. There was no way that stain was coming out, and he didn't even want to think about the pocket. No, it was a write off.

As he soaked his bones, memories of the evening started to come back in chunks. So, he had found this Dawn dame sitting in his seat at Grillby's. He thought back on how she responded to him. She could have riled him up into an anger which would have left everyone there dust, but for some strange reason, he'd just put up with it. It was almost.. Refreshing.

With the reputation he had.. Hmm.

She seemed to know exactly who he was, so she wouldn't be oblivious to his nature and his deeds.

He almost liked the way she treated him. She had a fire that he'd not encountered in a human woman before. Hell, or a human man for that matter. It was like he wasn't a threat to her at all.

He let his head rest against the cold tiles of the shower stall. God, his skull was throbbing now, but the harsh swap in temperature seemed to ease it, if only a little bit.

Sighing, he wracked his non-existent brain to try and piece everything together. Okay, he had bough her a few drinks, and he himself had drank wa-a-ay too much. He knew that was a bad move. He'd almost been taken out once because he couldn't hold his liquor, and he sure as hell didn't want to leave himself so vulnerable ever again. Something about this broad seemed to make him feel a little more relaxed. Even if she was being such a mouthy bitch.

He closed his eye sockets, trying to remember her looks. The dark brown curly cues, the ruby lipstick.. Those long, long lashes that she knew just how to use.. God, and that ass. It had been so damn soft. His grin picked up as he remembered. He had copped a pretty decent feel, and she didn't seem to have opposed his wandering hand. Maybe she was interested in him, as much as she tried to come across as neutrally cold.

Nope, he was still envisioning that ass. So much so that he was snapped out of his thoughts by warm magic pooling at his pelvis.

"hah? ah, ga'damnit.."

He didn't mean to get that excited. Granted it had been a few weeks since he'd last gotten laid.

Papyrus would be shitty with him if he took much longer in there, but at this point he couldn't just ignore it. It wasn't going to go away any time soon.

"ugh, fuck it! might's well get this over wit'.."

He pressed one of his hands up against the tiles, the other drifting downwards over his ribs. He shuddered at the light scratching of bone against bone. It dipped lower and lower, until it came to rest, wrapping around the transparent red magic he had managed to conjure up.

"woo-boy, here we go.."

He knew he should probably be quick, but he wasn't really in the mood for that. He stroked himself slowly, trying to paint a mental image of her in his minds eye.

He was definitely an ass man at heart. Well, the whole package was great, but he'd had his share of girls he'd just walked out on that were almost as bony as he was. He'd always gone for the skinny, pretty things, thinking that was what society thought best for a man like him.

It was that moment he realised that he'd been missing out.

"sweeeetheaart.." He moaned out, picking up speed.

His thoughts wandered to her face, the curls cascading down to rest at her shoulders, those soft rosy cheeks, and that mouth. What he wouldn't give to find out if those lips felt as soft as they looked. Ever the pervert, of course his mind went straight back to her ass. He couldn't get it out of his head.

What would it be like not covered by so many layers of clothing? And what of her tits? The blouse she was wearing was pretty conservative, but he could tell they were of a decent size. Big enough to fill his hands, at least. He tried to picture that, his hands tightening out of reflex.

The stream of hot water was doing nothing to quell the heat he was radiating into the room, his rib cage pressing up against the cooler tiles as he chased his end.

It didn't take him too long to finish, growling out curses and scratching his free hand down the tiles as he came. Any more pressure against the wall and he was sure the ceramic would break.

His breathing was still ragged and uneven as he slipped down to sit at the bottom of the shower. God, he hadn't had such a good session in such a long time. What was it about this woman that had him like putty in her hands? She didn't even know.

He shook his head, steeling himself to get back up onto his feet when he heard his bedroom door slam open.

"SANS! LADY TORIEL IS HERE, SO GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT HERE AND GET READY! WE LEAVE IN HALF AN HOUR!"

"'k-kay, pap. be down in a sec."

Another slam, and then silence. Sans slowly got up, steadying himself as he shut off the taps and stepped out. He was sure Pap was gonna break that door down one of these days.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	3. I Ain't Lion

"Mom! Momma, look! It's a tapir! Look at it's silly nose!"

Asriel was hanging off the bars of the enclosure, a video camera in one hand as his siblings held onto the back of his sweater.

"Azzy! You're gonna fall in!" Chara growled, trying in vain to pull their brother down. Frisk gave their sibling a look, pooling all of their determination. With a harsh tug, all three of them were on the ground, flat on their backs in the dirt.

"Friiiisk! You could'a broke uncle Pap's camera.." Asriel sat up, looking over the device with a concerned expression. "I wasn't gonna fall in."

"Yeah, but if mom saw you doing that, she probably would have had a fit."

Asriel looked guilty, brushing himself off and helping the other two to their feet.

"Yeah, you're right, Chara. Sorry guys.. Where is mom, anyway?"

Frisk signed quickly, pointing over to a crowd that had gathered while they were talking. Something was going on.

The three of them made their way over, pushing through peoples legs to get to were their mother was standing. They could already tell she was angry at somebody. Papyrus looked even more pissed off.

"SANS! ARE YOU FU- GET OUT OF THERE THIS INSTANT!"

Oh no. Asriel gave his siblings a look, and they all understood.

"hey, papy, look! they can jump pretty high, ey!"

Sans was up in a tree in the lion enclosure, using some bones he had summoned to bother the lions below him. Some of witch were lunging at the tree and roaring.

"Sans Serif Aster, you get out of there right now, or so help me!" Toriel bellowed. It was then Sans knew he was in deep shit, teleporting right to her side as some of the crowd yelled.

"heh heh.. sorry tori, was just havin' some fu-"

"We are leaving. Now. I've had it up to here with everyone's behavior." She snarled, throwing her shawl back over her shoulder in a tiff. "Come, children."

The three young ones groaned, staring daggers at their uncle as they all headed back out to the car park. Sans shrugged, mouthing he was sorry, when a bony hand clapped him across the head.

".. IRRESPONSIBLE AND JUST PLAIN STUPID! THIS IS WHY WE LEAVE YOU AT HOME MOST OF THE TIME, YOU COMPLETE BOOB!"

Just hearing his brother say 'boob' in his loud, obnoxious voice made Sans crack up. Mistake. Papyrus slapped him across the back of the skull again. "ow! fuck!"

"DISGRACEFUL."

"awwww, c'mon, pap. i was jus' havin' a bit'a fun."

"TELL THAT TO LADY TORIEL.. DON ASGORE WILL HEAR OF THIS, I'M SURE."

Papyrus strode off to catch up with her ladyship, leaving Sans to straggle behind, his head bowed a little in shame. Sometimes he didn't think things through.

He decided he didn't want to endure the ride home, stuck in the same car, so he decided to just teleport from the car park. He blipped out of view, appearing again in the alleyway right next to Grillby's bar.

Don Asgore was gonna kick his bony ass.

That's if Tori didn't get to it first.

"i probably d'serve it."

He pulled a cigar out of his pocket, leaning against the brickwork and lighting it with a flick of his wrist. He took a long drag, holding it between his teeth as the smoke billowed up from his collar.

As he stood and smoked, he gazed out the opening of the alley, watching other monsters go by on their own errands. There was the odd human passing through, but they were few and far between.

That got boring quick, so he took out his phone. He'd probably message Papyrus later to check on the situation, since he had to go back home later to get ready for the evening. Ugh, he really would rather just go home and flop down in his bed. Close himself off from the rest of the world, even for a little while.

He puffed at the cigar, letting the dark smoke fall around him. Maybe he should message the bird from last night. Worst case scenario she ignores him, best case would be getting laid. What was the harm in trying.

[judge] hey kitten. thnx f draggin m sorry bones back t m place. hope i ddn ruin ur night out. wanna go get food tomoroe nite er summat?

There. Informal and relaxed.

He was about to pocket the phone when it buzzed.

[Dawn] Are you still drunk? 'Cause you sure as hell text like you are! Sure, dinner tomorrow I can do. Let me know details.

So far so good, he thought as he shot back a winky face emoji. She was quick to reply with a hotdog and a gun.

Why was this back and forth riling him up so much? He stubbed out the cigar against the brick wall, pocketing it and his phone to teleport back home. Heh, maybe if he played his cards right, she might wanna do something else to his 'hotdog'..

***

"YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST CRAWLED OUT OF A BAR BRAWL! YOUR TIE ISN'T EVEN DONE UP, FOR CHRISTS SAKE!"

Papyrus grabbed his older brother's collar, expertly doing up the bow tie while he scowled down at him. Sans was taking advantage of his pretentious nature in order to not have to do as much work to get ready.

"s'fine papy. i'm goin' smart casual t'night."

"MORE LIKE DUMB CASUAL." Papyrus spat, stepping back to admire his work. Almost respectable. He grabbed at Sans' coat again, straightening it out and fixing his shirt, tucking it into his pants. "I DO WISH YOU WOULD TAKE THINGS MORE SERIOUSLY! THIS IS AN IMPORTANT DINNER, AND I FOR ONE WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY OF YOUR TOMFOOLERY TONIGHT. UNDERSTOOD?"

Sans turned to loosen his tie a little, hoping Papyrus wouldn't notice and tighten it again. "geez, pap. i'll be on m' best behavior, 'kay? relax, yer gonna have a conniption if ya don't.."

Papyrus scoffed loudly, checking over his own suit in the hallway mirror. "AND IT WILL BE ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!"

"fair cop." Sans chuckled, taking a hip flask out of his pocket. He was about to take a swig, when it was ripped from his hand. "hey! wha' gives?"

"BEST. BEHAVIOUR. CAPICHE?" Papyrus growled, throwing the flask into a wastepaper bin a few feet away. "NO DRINKING. NO SWEARING. NO TRYING TO PICK UP THE WAITRESSES-"

"aww, tha' was one time, an she was th' one commin' on'ta me, bro." Sans smirked, watching his little brothers eye sockets narrow more and more the longer he spoke.

"YOU ARE ON VERY THIN ICE WITH THE DON RIGHT NOW, SO I RECOMMEND THAT YOU NOT PUSH YOUR LUCK."

With one more icy glare, Papyrus took off down the stairs to the front door. Sans went to follow, waiting until his brother was out of sight before he retrieved the flask. It was his nice one, too. He'd be pissed if Pap dented it. Taking a big swig, he let out a satisfied noise before stowing it back into the inner pocket of his jacket.

He was gonna need it.

***

He needed it.

He had never been so bored in his life.

No, that wasn't the truth. He had had to listen to his brother give a speech when he was 'knighted'. That was the most bored he had ever been, but now was still a close second.

Even the bright smiles of the Dreemurr children, who had all forgiven him by now, weren't enough to make his evening any better.

He had slipped away unbeknownst to the others there, opening a door down one of the back halls of the convention room. It led out onto a dark street crammed between two buildings. Not so much an alleyway, more like a canal. There was water draining down sloping concrete slabs in the center.

He took a hearty sip of the brandy he had kept stashed away from before, taking his half finished cigar out and lighting it again as he paced. His shoes making noise that echoed in the small space.

The night air was biting, even through the thick wool suit.

It had been so damned stuffy inside. Asgore had a bunch of pompous well-to-dos invited along. Something about partnerships and sponsoring? Heh, Sans knew that was code for 'protection money and kickbacks'. He chuckled at the whole situation. Sure, if they didn't pay up, or keep up their end of the deal, it would be him that crushed their pathetic skulls. One part of the job he truly enjoyed.

While Pap was cold and calculating in taking out undesirables, there was nothing Sans liked better than arming himself to the nines and making a huge, fucking mess. It was so much more satisfying to see the fruits of his labour splattered across a wall.

"kill 'em all an' let god sort 'em out, heh."

He had been known for this way of thinking.

He puffed away at the stub of his cigar, flicking through some pictures on his phone he had taken on some of his 'jobs'. If Papyrus, hell, if Asgore knew he had such incriminating evidence on his phone, he would be in some serious shit. He couldn't help it, sometimes he liked to have mementos of some of his better hits. He was looking at a particular picture he liked. It was of his gloved hand holding up the limp body of a man by the crushed remains of his head. Unspeakably gruesome, but it just made him nostalgic.

"good times."

His phone dinged in his hand. A new message from Dawn.

He chuckled, opening it and holding his phone closer to his face so he could read it.

[Dawn] Not at Grillby's tonight? And here I was hoping to hang out with my favourite drinking buddy.

[Dawn] That was sarcasm, by the way.

God, this girl was going to be the death of him.

[judge] sorry sweetness got a dinna party on borin as fuck. much rather be hangin wit ur sweet ass gettn drunk again, now i kno i got a ride home

Her reply was almost instant.

[Dawn] Fuck off. :)

He couldn't get the grin off his face as he pocketed his phone, steeling himself to head back inside. At least the booze and nicotine were working to relax him. The rest of the night could be fun, he'd just have drink a little more.

Without Papy finding out, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [I maded a tumblr](https://wannabuyahotcat.tumblr.com/). :D


	4. Pain in the Glass

The dinner was a great success. According to Asgore, anyway. Sans was just so happy to be back in his own room, flopping down onto his bed with gusto. The springs whining and groaning under his shifting weight. At least tonight he could enjoy his slumber. He sat up, shrugging off his jacket and tossing it unceremoniously onto the floor, followed by his suspenders, shoes and hat. He could sleep comfortably now.

He was just about to, when there was a loud knock at his door.

"SANS! GET UP! THERE'S BEEN AN INCIDENT AT THE DREEMURR PLACE. WE'RE NEEDED NOW!"

Sans snapped bolt upright, jumping out of bed and throwing his clothes back on, bar the suspenders. He was in too much of a rush. His pants fit well enough anyway.

He blipped into the hallway, startling Papyrus as he went to knock again. " _AH!_ I MEAN, AH, YOU'RE ACTUALLY AWAKE."

"wha' th' fuck is goin' on? what happened?"

Papyrus grabbed onto his arm. "I WILL EXPLAIN WHEN WE ARRIVE. TAKE US TO THE ESTATE. QUICKLY!"

He transported them into the main lounge of the large mansion, finding it empty. One of the big glass windows on the front-facing wall was smashed to pieces, a chunk of brick sitting on the floor near their feet.

"NO, YOU IMBECILE, TO THE _FRONT_ OF THE PROPERTY! WE DON'T KNOW IF IT IS EXPLOSIVE!"

Sans blanched, popping back out and reappearing with his brother near the large front gate. The Don and his family were there, the children huddled up around their mother and shaking. They were all in their pajamas, looking like they'd been dragged straight out of bed. Sans could feel their pain.

"THE MORON TOOK US STRAIGHT INTO THE BLOODY ROOM!"

Sans resented his attitude. "hey! ya didn't say not to! how the fuck was i supposed t' know?"

Asgore cleared his throat, shutting the two bickering skeletons up quick smart. "I have called Mettaton in to check the room. Papyrus, you take Tori and the children back to your home. Sans? You will stay here with me."

Papyrus quickly left for the waiting car with the rest of the group, leaving Sans and Asgore standing at the gate. The Don sighed, pinching the bridge of his snout in annoyance. "I am quite sure that is is only a brick, but I would rather err on the side of caution, would you not say?"

"yeah, prob for th' best." Sans muttered, his hands diving into his pockets as he leaned against one of the large stone pillars that made up the surrounding fence. "so, uh, looked like there was a note attached.. what'ya reckon? someone has summat t' say but not the balls? kids being little shitheads?"

"I do not know, Sans. I guess we will see.. Actually, while I have you here, I have been meaning to talk to you about your behavior on the zoo trip earlier today-"

"I was just fuckin' around, gorey. i wasn't gonna let anythin' happen-"

"Silence." Asgore said, looking down at the skeleton next to him. "Climbing into an enclosure? And the lion enclosure at that? Do we need to put a collar on you? A bell and a leash so we can keep track of you."

Sans shuddered, but Asgore only laughed.

"Tori and the kids were not at all pleased."

"yeah, i got gist of tha'. shouldn't've ditched th' rest of the outin' just cause'a that, though." He grumbled. "i woulda behaved m'self. i swear!"

"Sans, when can we ever trust anything that comes out of your mouth.. Ah, I do believe Mettaton has arrived."

A long, black limosine pulled up to the front of the property, a back door opening to show off the stuck up box of bolts. He was sitting in his simple form, a glass of sparkling champaign in one of his four wandering hands.

"Ah, Asgore, you said something about _a BOMB_?" The boxy robot dipped himself dramatically at the last word, one of his hands laying across the top of his chassis. Sans grit his teeth at all the gaudy flouncing. He hated that rustbucket.

"Mettaton, please." Asgore spoke, his hand running through his thick, black mane. "This is not a time for your showmanship. I need you to check for explosives. Someone has thrown what looks like a brick through our front window."

"Say no more, my lord." Mettaton purred, rolling up on his single wheel. He was squeakier than usual, making Sans grit his teeth again. Everything about him pissed him off. "I will go neutralise the threat at once. Please excuse me."

Mettaton headed up to the house, pushing himself up through what was left of the window and disappearing inside. The two other monsters stood silently, waiting for an all clear.

After a minute or so, the robot leaned back out of the window.

"It is just a brick. Come here, there seems to be a note attached."

Sans shortcutted him and the Don into the spacious lounge, walking over and picking up the half-brick and unwrapping the paper from around it. Even with it being cleared as non-explosive, he still would not let Asgore near it. Not until he knew there was no possible risk.

The towering Goat monster grunted. "Well, what does it say?"

Sans flattened the paper out as best he could, scanning it before reading out loud.

"yer time is nearly up. dreemurr family will fall. we will take back our city. if ya fight, ya'll only fall faster.. n' tha's it. nothin' else on the paper." Sans flipped it over, double checking to see if there was any outstanding marks. "yeah, it's got nothin' identifyin' on it anywhere."

He handed the paper off to the Don, who glanced at it before sighing. "Mettaton, could you please go check the CCTV feeds, maybe see if the cameras saw anything, or anyone."

"Will do." Mettaton said as he left for the basement. Asgore read the note once more, before putting it down onto one of the couch cusions and flopping down next to it.

"I do not like the idea of my family being in any sort of danger. Sans, go down and assist Mettaton with the footage. I know you have a good eye for these things."

"eye eye, boss." Sans halfheartedly punned as his left eye glowed in the semi-dark room, earning a displeased glare from Asgore. "sorry, i'll go check on th' primadonna.."

He left his boss to dwell on his thoughts, heading down to the large basement to check on Mettaton and the camera recordings. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he could see that the robot had swapped to his humanoid form. He was studying a few black and white monitors, resting his chin on one of his hands.

He let off a metallic screech when Sans teleported right behind him and slammed his hand on down his shoulder.

"Gah! You smiley asshole!"

"heh, find anythin'?"

Mettaton sent him a scowl, before turning back to point at one of the screens. It was a feed of the external camera, pointed out towards the road. He skipped back to around the time the brick was thrown.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Wait, someone walking past.. Nope.

Nothing.

Was that a cat sneaking around? Huh.

Nothing.

Nothing.

... Something.

"wassat? zoom in.."

Headlights could be seen in the distance, a dark coloured car barreling towards the estate. There it was.

Someone in a balaclava and dark clothing stuck their torso out of the moving car and pitched the brick through the window. Sans had to laugh at the poor sod almost falling out of the window from inertia, but he managed to climb back in. The car did a quick 180 and sped off back the way it came.

No number plates. Typical. Yes, the footage proved that it did in fact happen, but there was nothing he could take away from it that might show their identity.

"damnit.. fuckin' make my job harder, ya cheeky cunts."

Mettaton scoffed, playing the clip over and over again, both of them scouring it for anything they could use.

"Ugh! I can't even tell what colour the car is! It's missing it's badges and it looks like they've painted over where they were to disguise it. I'm a star, not a grease monkey! I don't know what it is!"

Sans slumped, stuffing his hands back into his pockets. "could'a fooled me. ya always look greasy."

"HRMPH! At least _I_ don't look like some sweaty, old pervert!"

"hey! who're ya callin' old, tin fer brains!?"

"ENOUGH!"

They both spun around towards the staircase, where Asgore was now standing. He had his arms folded, glaring down at them both. "Did you two manage to find anything? Or have you been stuck down here bickering this whole time?"

"nah, we only jus' started tha'." Sans smirked. "we got footage o' the pricks hurlin' th' rock, but there's nuthin' to pin 'em down. they seemed t' 'ave planned fer cameras."

Asgore let out a long sigh, rubbing his face up and down with both hands.

"That leaves us back at square one."

"The cowards don't even have the balls to identify themselves? Eugh, what point is there then? What about the bragging rights?"

Asgore frowned, but Sans bared his teeth. "s'not all about bein' a fuckin' show pony, ya ditzy bag'a'bolts! f'they dun wanna show their faces, then they mean business!"

Mettaton went to respond, but shut up when Asgore raised a hand.

"Sans is correct. This leaves us with no ground to stand on. I dare say I am worried.. Sans, I request that Toriel and my children stay in your home until we can find a lead. You and your brother, as well as Undyne, are to keep watch over them. Understood?"

"y-yeah, s'okay. i'll let paps know." Sans shuffled his feet, his dress shoes already scuffed up. There go his plans for the next evening down the drain. If there were going to be kids and a lady in the house, he couldn't bring the dame back with him.

As if he had read his mind, Mettaton tittered, his grin pulled up at the corners deviously. "Oh, well. You'll have to keep it in your pants while they're staying with you. Poor _shnookems_!"

"ya shut yer mouth, f'ya know wha's fuckin' good fer ya.." He growled, watching the prissy automaton get up and stride over to the stairs. With a flick of his long, black hair, he was up out of the basement and gone. Sans didn't realise he had been grinding his teeth again, only stopping when the Don placed a hand on his shoulder.

Sans couldn't understand why Pap held such a candle for the poncy appliance.

"Sans, please take me with you to your home. I will need to explain the situation to Tori."

He did just that, porting them into the kitchen of Sans' and Pap's house. The only things on his mind were mustard and sleep. He desperately needed both.

"not t' be rude or nuthin', but i'm fuckin' tired. i'm gonna split. y'know where the rooms 'n shit are. pap's probably had loox set 'em all up by now."

Sans turned to leave the kitchen, stopping only to inhale half the bottle in one gulp.

"Thank you, by the way. I appreciate you allowing my family into your home. I will make it up to you and your brother."

He turned to his boss, shrugging. "pfft, no biggie. jus' what ya do fer ya friends, ey.. eh, well.. night gorey."

When the skeleton blipped away, Asgore let himself chuckle.

"Goodnight Judge."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been listening to Steam Powered Giraffe on repeat for the past 2 hours. What is sounds?
> 
> [I have a toombler now.](https://wannabuyahotcat.tumblr.com/) Feel free to message me there if you'd like. :3


	5. Don't Clown Me

When Sans woke up the next morning, Asgore was already gone, and he could smell the sweet scent of fresh pancakes wafting up the stairs and through the cracks in his door. It was almost too tempting for the lazybones, as he yawned an stretched his joints, shrugging sleep off and getting up to get dressed for the day.

When he came downstairs, he was greeted to the sight of everyone sitting around the large dining table. There were stacks of pancakes, drizzled in syrup, fresh cream and berries. Heh, there was even a stack set out for him.

Toriel smiled at him as he walked through the doorway. "Good morning, sleepy head. I have made breakfast. I feel it is the least I can do after the events of last night."

The kids were all stuffing their faces, taking advantage of knowing hands to keep their conversation going without having to stop eating.

He took his seat, picking up his fork and taking a large bite. He was in such a good mood from good food that Papyrus' disgusted sneer didn't even bother him. "dun haf'ta do nuffin' towi" He said, mouth full.

She shot him a smirk, brow raised at his table manners before going back to her own breakfast. The pancakes were to die for. Sans always admired a bird who knew her way around a kitchen. He shoveled another mouthful, thinking. Did Dawn know how to cook? He would have to ask.

He was brought out of his thoughts when Asriel stuck a piece of paper up under his nose hole. "wha' th'.."

It was a flyer for a carnival happening that day in central park. The two human children flanked their fluffy brother, all gazing up at him expectantly.

"Uncle Sans! Would you take us to the fair in town today? You can do it to make up for the zoo trip yesterday!"

He winced, quickly plastering his smile back on for the kiddies. They were all looking up at him with the best puppy dog eyes they could muster. How could he say no?

"alrigh' i'll take ya, i'll take ya. ya comin' with, tori?"

"Unfortunately, no. I have some work I need to catch up on, and a quiet day would give me a chance to finish. I will leave the children in your care, as long as you promise me that you will behave yourself." The look she gave him was stern, but still somehow soft. It was almost unnerving.

"yeah, yeah, i'll be a good little skeleton. no more teasin' animals or nuthin'. promise."

They soon finished the pancakes, Toriel walking around to collect the dishes. Papyrus was already gone to meet up with Mettaton somewhere. Sans had forgotten to ask, or he just didn't care enough to ask. Many times he tried to offer help with the dishes and washing up, but Tori refused. Her way of paying them back for their kindness, she kept saying. At least he had some nice company while he sat in the kitchen, waiting for the kids to get ready.

He watched her as she stood with her back to him, washing the dishes. He could remember a time where he wouldn't hesitate to just go over and grab her by the ass and shoulders, bend her over the sink and claim her for himself. He was in a very bad place, back then. The mere thought disgusted him, and he shook his head, willing them away.

It wasn't even the threat of her husband finding out and disposing of him in the most painful manner he could think of. She was his friend. Friends don't do things like that to each other.

"Something troubling you, Sans?" She spoke up, tapping her hands on the edge of the sink before she toweled them down, getting ready to dry the dishes she had washed. "You seem troubled."

He gulped, shrugging. "eh, s'nothin'.. ya wanna hand wi' the dryin?"

She looked from him, over to the dishes sitting in the metal drainer. "I would not decline. Thank you."

She passed him a clean dishrag, and he started with the silverware. Popping each knife and fork and spoon back into the cutlery drawer as he dried them.

"hey t-tori.." He stammered, looking her in the eye when she looked over. "uh, sorry about yesterday, wha' with the zoo trip. i didn't mean 't ruin' ya day."

She wiped her paws on her dress, looking down at him with a soft smile. "I apologise for acting in such a harsh manner. I worry about you, that is all. You seem to have a penchant for getting yourself into.. dangerous situations, and I cannot help myself. Sometimes it is as if I have four children, not just three."

He had to laugh. She just couldn't help herself but mother every one of them.

"wha', ya mean asgore dun count?"

She smirked, going back to drying the dishes.

"Five, then."

***

The sounds of carnival rides and game stalls filled the air, scented by cheep beer, burnt sugar, hot chips and hot dogs.

Sans was standing off to the side of one of the thrill rides, waiting for his three charges. He had bought himself a hot dog, and he was lifting it up to his parted teeth when he looked across and saw a young boy. He had on Spiderman face paint, a stick of fairy floss in one hand and was holding the string of an oversized balloon in the other. He was staring hard at the skeleton monster, making him feel really put off. "uhh, heya kid?"

The small boy only stared, his eyes unblinking and his mouth open. If he wasn't careful a fly might land in there. Sans was about to say something, when the kid fell to a crouch, mouthed "Spiderman" and bolted off, the balloon bobbing manically as he sprinted away. That was.. Odd.

He stood with a similar expression for a moment, before shrugging, and taking a bite of his hotdog.

Not even a minute later, the three Dreemurr kids came running over, already tugging him along to the next thing to catch their attention. All three of them were on a sugar high.

"I WANNA GO ON THE ROLLERCOASTER!" Asriel shrieked, loud enough to warrant a few stares from people around. "Oh, uh, yeah.. Rollercoaster."

Frisk wanted to go get something to drink, and Chara.. Well, Sans was pretty sure humans weren't supposed to vibrate like that.

"uh, maybe we should pick summat quiet or easy. ya'll seem a bit hyper."

"We're fiiiiine." Chara drawled, taking a wad of squashed up cotton candy out their pocket and eating it. Where did they.. When did they get fairly floss? Why was it in their po- Sans quickly decided that he didn't want to know.

They took a wander through the quieter areas of the fair, looking over both trinket and game stalls alike. Asriel had taken a shine to the wood burning stand, while Chara and Frisk were both covering each other in large hair clips from another stand. He'd probably have to pay for the ones they broke. At least the stall owner was good about it, not outright chasing them off.

Eventually they kept walking, about to take a look at a stall selling trucks, cars and planes made out of empty drink cans, when a low whistle caught his attention.

"Well, if it isn't my favourite drinking buddy."

Sans whipped around at that voice. Sure enough, Dawn was stood with her arms folded, grinning at him from behind the counter of an air rifle shooting game. She was dressed up in something akin to what you'd see in a barbershop quartet, right down to the bowtie and tipped straw hat. He was pulled over to the stand by the kids.

"Wow! I wanna try and shoot!" Asriel beamed as he ran his hands over the wooden butt of the small air rifle, making Sans cringe a little with the expression he was wearing. "How much?"

She seemed to soften up as she looked down at the three children. "It's usually $5 for 5 shots, but I'll let you all have 5 shots each for free. How about it?"

They all looked at each other like Christmas had come early. Watching intently as she set up each rifle with tiny pellets. She explained the rules as she did, glancing up at Sans every so often, usually with a smirk or something akin to that. He leaned against the side of the stall, watching her as she worked. He was actually happy to see her. Something about the way she was interacting with his nephews making him feel warm inside. So, she wasn't always a bitch. Heh.

She finished loading the last gun, checking the lever and placing it back onto the counter. "Okay. So, try and hit as many targets as you can. Hit two, you get a keyring. Three, a small toy. Four, a medium sized toy, and if you can hit 5 then you get one of the big toys. If you hit one, or you don't hit any, then you get a jelly bracelet. Who wants to go first?"

The three decided amoungst themselves, sending Frisk up first. They managed to hit 3 targets, the twang of the bullets against the tin figures of cowboys and cacti a pretty sound in Sans' mind.

"Yay! Frisk, you did it!" Asriel yelled as Dawn grabbed a toy from the pile, handing it to Frisk, who signed thank you. Dawn smiled at them kindly. "I'm sorry, sweetheart, I don't know sign language."

"They said thanks." Chara translated for their sibling, who was now hugging the stuffed elephant tight against their chest.

Asriel went next, and managed to only get one hit. He seemed a bit down, perking up instantly when he was handed a bright green jelly bracelet. He pulled it over his paw, holding it up in the light to admire it. "It has glitter in it! Cool!"

Chara was the last to go, and to Sans amazement, as well as deep concern, managed to hit all five times. Dawn even joined in as they all clapped.

"Pffft! That was easy-peasy!" The red-eyed child bragged, holding their hands out, waiting for their prize. Dawn plopped the giant stuffed panda into their waiting arms with a giggle, watching as Chara was almost bowled over by it.

"Congratulations, guys! You all did really well.. Maybe we should see if Sans can do as well as you did." Dawn grinned at the now flustered skeleton. He didn't really have a choice, after the children begged him to give it a try. She set up the gun for him, handing it to him as he stepped forward.

"Let's see what the Judge can do, ey?"

He swallowed, wrapping his fingers around the child sized firearm. It was almost too small for him, and he was tempted to take his revolver out of it's holster and use that instead. No, he should play by the rules. He was trying to impress her after all.

Wait, was he? Pffft, no. Of course he wasn't.

"a-alrigh', stand back kiddies. i'll show ya how a professional does it."

Chara scoffed, voice muffled by the giant plushie in front of their face. "Yeah? Let us know when they arrive."

Dawn giggled, standing back to let him have a go.

He held the gun up to his line of sight, lining up the targets.

 

_*clang-clang-clang-clang-clang*_

 

He had barely paused between each shot, toppling 5 of the painted metal targets in seconds. He put the weapon back down on the counter, looking pretty damn smug. "an tha's how it's done."

"Well, colour me impressed. Here's your prize." She handed him a giant dog plushy. It was still sitting large in his hands, and they were big.

"aw, doll, ya spoilin' me." He chuckled, propping his prize up under his arm. His eyes lingered at the ruffles sitting under her red and white striped vest. She seemed to notice, grinning as he fumbled.

"Well, I'd say such good shots deserve something extra. Here, I have these free upgrade coupons for the food trucks. So you can get a large meal instead of a medium for the same price. Here you go." She handed the kids the paper tickets, holding one out to Sans as well. "Valid at any food stall here."

"Wow! Thanks lady!" Asriel's eyes lit up at the thought of food. "Come on guys, let's go find something to eat!" He all but dragged his siblings off to the nearby food court, leaving the two adults in the lurch. Sans scratched at his skull looking around aimlessly.

"sooo.. still wanna grab food later?"

She leaned forward onto the counter, her arms folded loosely under her. "Yep. You're paying, by the way."

Ah, the bitch was back. He placed his hands on either side of her on the counter, looming over her. "heh, i'm perfectly fine wi' tha', sweetcheeks. ya let m' nephews play fer free, after all. i can spare a meal fer ya.. maybe a li'l more if ya play ya cards right.." He was almost purring, watching her as she lifted her face up to meet his own. She was so, so, tantalizingly close. He could lean forward and kiss her easily. His soul throbbed at the lidded, lustful look she was giving him.

"Oh, Saaans.."

"y-yeah, sweetness?" He couldn't keep his voice flat, sweat already beading across his skull.

She reached a hand up to wrap around his tie, a smile playing her parted lips.

"I'm not gonna sleep with you, if that's what you were implying."

With that, she stood back up, admiring the mess she had made of him. His bubble burst, his face flushing red as he stammered, trying to collect himself and whatever little dignity he had left after that display. "ah, well, uh.. right.. uh.. n-nah, jus' dinner."

"I'll message you my address later, so you can come pick me up." She started, acting like all that never happened. Sans was still internally reeling. He had been so close!

Why was he so disappointed? Just a rough wave in otherwise smooth sailing.

"yeah, do tha'. w-well i gotta go wrangle th' grommits. i'll, uh, seeya later, dawn."

"Later, Judge."

With that, she turned and walked out the back of her stall. Sans lingered for a moment, before he trudged off himself.

This devil woman was really getting under his skin.

"dun even 'ave skin.. heh.. ugh.."

***

The three young ones had been watching the exchange from where they were sat, each nursing a bowl of nachos.

"Ugh, why does Uncle Sans always have to be such a sleazeball." Asriel scrunched up his nose as they watched their tall uncle hovering over the much shorter woman. "That's really-OH MY GO-mph!"

Chara jumped up, slapping their hand over his muzzle. "Shut up! They're gonna hear you!"

"They're gonna kiss!" He said once they let go. The three of them watched as the object of their uncle's affections neared closer and closer to him. With the other two so distracted, Frisk took the opportunity to steal some of their chips.

"Wow.. She's actually gonna smooch a skeleton.." Chara hissed, not really sure if they were disgusted or not. Sans was kinda gross.

When the woman pulled away, leaving him a blushing, sweating, stammering mess, all they could do was stare.

"Wait, it looked like they were gonna kiss? Why did she stop?" Asriel asked, looking confused. Chara shook their head.

"She was just fucking with him.. HA! That's hilarious!"

Frisk signed 'language', but Chara ignored them.

"Wait, didn't she say they were drinking buddies? Back before we got to the stall? She did know his name."

Asriel looked down into his food, giving Frisk a quick glare when he realised what they had done. "So they already know each other? Okay, that makes what he did a little less creepy.. I guess?"

"SHH! He's coming over. ACT natural!"

The three went back to talking about the rides they'd been on as Sans wandered over. He took up the empty seat next to Frisk, dropping his head straight down onto his folded arms and groaning.

"Uncle Sans? A-are you okay?" Asriel asked. Sans answered with a slightly louder, higher pitched groan. The kids shrugged, Frisk patting him on the back as they went back to eating. Chara looked down into their suspiciously empty bowl.

"Wha- Frisk! Stop stealing my bloody chips!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh heh heh. Poor shnookems. :3
> 
> I can has [tumblr](https://wannabuyahotcat.tumblr.com/)? I also can has outdated memes.


	6. Pici Your Battles

Dawn had buzzed him her address not long after he and the kids arrived back home, and it wasn't that far from where they were. At least he wouldn't have to drive too far.

He'd decided to get dressed up a little for the dinner date. If he was going to be taking her somewhere respectable, he may as well look the part. He'd already gone ahead and made reservations at a nice place in the city.

He was sure going to a lot of trouble for one bird. One who had already told him she wasn't interested in sleeping with him.

Why was he still trying? Something about her that made him want to try.

Suffice to say, he wasn't going to be giving up any time soon.

Someone knocked at his door as he was fixing his tie, and he called out for them to come in. Toriel walked into his pigsty of a bedroom, her disapproving eyes scanning the clothes and trash covered floor before they fell on him. "Oh, you look very smart, Sans. Are you going out tonight?"

He pulled the windsor knot tighter, shifting it around under his collar. "heh, yeah. takin' a friend out fer dinner."

"Ohh, a friend?" She smirked, giggling as he flushed red. "You seem to want to make a good impression, that is for sure."

"what, can't a guy make 'imself presentable?" He scoffed, flipping down the starched collar and fixing his suspenders. "what can i do ya for, tori?"

Toriel walked over to his bed and sat down. "Can a lady not spend some time with her good friend?" She teased. He looked at her in the reflection.

"hey, tori.."

"Yes?"

"why couldn't th' skeletons get t' second base?"

She sent him a raised brow through her reflection. "Why?"

"'cause 'e couldn't unhook 'er vertebra."

She snorted, covering her snout with one hand as she laughed. "Sans! Oh my goodness!"

"why was th' skeleton great in bed?"

"Oh my.. Why?"

He sent her an over the top wink via his reflection. "'cause 'e's ribbed fer 'er pleasure."

"Sans! That one was very lewd.." She picked up one of his many ties off the floor and threw it at him playfully. It only made him want to try harder.

"awwww c'mon tori! ya love m' dirty jokes. Dun think i dun notice how ya laugh harder at 'em than m' cleaner ones." He said, chuckling as another tie landed gracefully over his shoulder.

"You are quite the riot, Sans dear. I must admit I do find a kind of guilty pleasure in your naughtier jokes." She stood up, picking the tie off his shoulder as she passed him on her way out. "Do behave yourself for your date. Would not want to scare her away too soon."

He snorted, shrugging his jacket over his shoulders and picking up his hat. "y'know th' birds go crazy fer a bit'a raunchy humour, tori.. heh, i'll try an' be on m' best behavior. ain't makin' any promises this time, though."

She shook her head, smiling as she closed the door behind her, leaving him by himself once more. He turned his attention back to the mirror, putting his thumbs through his suspenders and pulling them out. "heh, ya sure scrub up nice, sansy boy.." He let the elastic go, letting it flick back against his chest. Tipping his hat down over his brow, he decided that was as good as he was gonna get.

"ya better appreciate all th' trouble I'm goin' to, babygirl. i'll win ya over yet, jus' ya wait.."

***

"Italian? Really? Going all out with clichés tonight, aren't we Judge?"

Dawn looked out of the car window, over to the restaurant Sans had made reservations at. He scoffed at her words.

"wha', ya rather I take ya down miccy d's drive though, or summat like tha'?" Seeing her face scrunch up at his suggestion just made him grin harder.

"And what? Waste the fact that I've actually gotten dressed up for you? Fuck that, Italian it is. You're paying, so why not.."

He hopped out of the car, quickly making his way over to open her door for her, grumbling to himself when he saw she was already halfway out of the car. "makin' this whole chivalry thing hard when ya don't lemme do stuff like open ya door fer ya."

"Well you should have said something! Not a god damned mind reader, Sans."

He chose to ignore her, taking her hand to help her stand up. She didn't yank hers away, so it was much of a muchness.

"ya gonna let me open this door for ya?" He said as they reached the front of the restaurant. She raised her hand, spinning it around before dipping into an over the top bow. Cheeky bitch.

"Oh, thank you for saving my poor, weak arms from wrenching open such a heavy door. You are my hero!"

He tried to hide his flushed cheeks by turning his head, growling softly. "no need t' be a drama queen.. go on, git'in there."

"Eloquent and well-spoken as always. Just what I love in a man."

"wanna know wha' I love in'a woman?"

"Please don't tell me."

He tisked, shrugging as they approached the maitre d' at her podium. She gave Sans a once over before motioning them to follow. She led them to one of the best tables, all set up for two. Lit candles and everything.

"You would almost think this was a date, or something." She hummed, amused. "You're really going above and beyond, Judge. Not that I'm complaining, mind you."

"really? sounds like complainin' t' me." He chuckled as he pulled her chair out for her. The glare she gave him chased any ideas of pranks straight out of his skull. "heh, not gonna yank it out or nuthin'."

"Better not." She mumbled as he took his own seat.

He already knew what he was going to order, but looked through the menu anyway, at least while Dawn was looking. He snuck a glance over the top of the book, watching as her pale, dark-lined eyes scanned the pages. Well, until she looked up and caught him staring. "You right there?"

"ehem, fine.. fine.." he went back to looking at the menu, thankful that it obscured his blushing face.

After what seemed like an eternity to Sans, she finally put the menu down onto the table and pointed to something. "I think I'll try the Marinara. What did you pick?"

"spag."

"Jesus, Sans, we're in a fancy restaurant. It's ‘spag boll', thank you very much."

She smiled at him, and for once it was genuine. He felt his own grin pick up a little. She was pretty cute in the face.

The waiter came over, book at the ready to take the orders. They both did, Sans also asking for a bottle of wine to have with dinner. Once all that was done with, they were left alone again. For once in his life, Sans was at a loss for what to talk about.

"So.."

He looked up when she spoke, noting that she was looking around sheepishly.

"so.."

"I.. Like the lamps.."

"yeah. they're pretty, uh, lampy?"

They both looked right at each other, before cracking up.

She clutched at her gut, her eyes closed tight as she breathed through the tail end of her giggles. "Holy shit, that was so bad! Lampy?"

He pulled his arms up to fold them across his chest as he smirked. "fuck off, yer th' one talkin' ‘bout lamps.. heh, ya gotta cute laugh, y'know tha'?"

She paused, before leaning forward with her own smirk. "I'll give you 50 bucks if you can get me to do it again."

That was a challenge he was more than willing to accept.

"alrigh' then.. an I'll give ya 50 if ya can get me t' laugh."

"You are on, bone boy."

They both sat thinking, when the waiter came back over with a bottle of red and two glasses. He left the bottle on the table after he had poured them both a glass each.

"i got one." Sans said. "was' th' difference ‘tween a tire an' 365 used condoms?"

She made a face, but still asked what.

"one's a goodyear, th' other's a great year!"

"That, or heart failure." She retorted. Damnit, he could feel his grin twitch. He was not going to lose this.

She had noticed his slip-up, leaning her chin on her hand as she racked her brain for something to rebut with.

"What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?"

"what _is_ the difference?" He asked, trying not to grin as she rolled her eyes.

"A whore will sleep with everyone at a party. A bitch will sleep with everyone at a party, except for you."

Damnit! He really was struggling to keep his smile in check, breathing deeply to ease away the impending laughter. "wha' did th' priest say t' th' pedophile in confession?"

She answered with a raised brow, waiting for him to finish.

"we meet fer drinks on thursdays."

"That could have been funny." She drawled, taking a sip of her wine. "How about this one. A man is digging a big hole in his back garden, when he comes across a chest full of gold coins. He rushes inside to tell his wife.. Then he remembers why he was digging in the garden."

Sans couldn't help it, he coughed to cover up his breathy chuckle. "a'right, i'll pay tha', ya go' a giggle outta me.. give a man a match, an' 'e'll be warm fer a few hours. set 'im on fire, an' 'e'll be warm fer the rest of his life."

She let out a laugh-like huff, before groaning. "Damnit! I am not losing this! Hmmm.. Y'know, I really don't like jokes about women staying in the kitchen.. I mean, how are they supposed to clean the rest of the house?"

Sans lost it, throwing his head back as he cackled. "awww, fuck, tha's a good one. heh.. ah! grub's 'ere."

The waiter place down two plates, before retreating back again. The food looked pretty good, Sans digging in without waiting, or with any care for table manners.

"Jesus! Chew your goddamned food, you invalid!" She shot at him as she held her fork over her own dish. "I know you monsters absorb your food magically, but still!"

He made a particularly loud slurping noise as he looked her right in the eye, her own face twisted in a grimace.

"If you start choking, I'm not gonna help you."

"tha's not very nice, babe. startin' t' think ya might not like me or summat. heh heh heh."

She rolled her eyes and picked up her glass to take a sip, when the glint of light off metal caught her eye from behind her date. Her own eyes went wide as she grabbed Sans by his tie and pulled him to the side. She fell to the side as she did, just in time to feel a bullet graze past her ear. Sans saw it fly past her, immediately jumping up and drawing his own gun. The shooter was already out the door, the few shots Sans took hitting the window and wall near it.

"sonovabitch!" He screamed, taking off after the unknown shooter, Dawn grabbing her bag and following after him. When she stepped out into the street, Sans was glancing around, looking for any clue as to where the scumbag went.

"fuck.. e's fuckin go- wha' th' fuck d'ya think yer doin'? ge' th' fuck back inside, dawn!" He snapped at her. She glared at him, reaching into her bag and pulling out a tiny pistol. He didn't say anything as she walked over to a nearby alleyway, the weapon raised up to her chest as she took a look around. It was the only exit this guy would have had.

"Well? Aren't you coming with?" She called back to him. He was stood stock still, his eyelights dilated and his jaw open. He could feel his soul beating hard against his ribs. Shaking his head, he snapped out of it, following her as she crept into the dark space between the buildings, his own gun held out in front of him.

She stopped, and he almost walked into her in his semi-dazed state.

"He went that way." She pointed to a T in the end of the walkway. "Left, most likely, going by how the puddle has been splashed against the floor and wall.. See? Footprints right over there."

He looked down at the water that sat in puddles across the cement. Sure enough, it looked like he had taken off down the left path.

"how.. how the fuck did ya.. dawn?"

She looked over her shoulder, her heavily lined eyes staring straight into his own eyesockets. "You keep thinking I'm this damsel in distress, Sans. I'm not that delicate."

"nah, s'not tha'.. jus'.." he sighed, scratching under his hat as he reluctantly holstered his own gun. "we should go.."

"Yeaaah.. I guess dinner is a bust, huh? You almost getting shot in the back of the head kinda put a damper on it. Sorry for yanking your tie so hard."

Really? She was apologising for saving his fucking life? "pffft, fuck tha'.. thanks fer savin' m' bony ass. 'preciate it."

She smirked as she bagged her gun and followed him out of the alleyway. "Don't think that this means I like you or anything. Just wanted to keep my dinner sans skull fragments, y'know?"

A pun. Not just a pun, one about him getting his non-existent brains blown out.

He grabbed his gut as he burst into laughter.

"h-holy fuck! yer gonna be th' death'a me, ya know tha'?" He choked out through his baritone chuckles. He had to wipe away a tear that had fallen, he was laughing so hard.

She glanced from him, back to the dark alley. "So, we not going after him, or?"

He stopped laughing.

"e's probably miles away by now, so no point, n' i'm feelin' lazy.. besides." He walked over to her, his hands in his pockets as he looked down at her with a frown. "i'm not doin' anythin' tha's gonna put ya in danger.. uh, more so."

"Do I get to be some monster mafia hero now? 'Cause I saved your mannerless arse?" She grinned, fluttering her long lashes as he faltered. He gulped, trying to calm the hammering in his rib cage.

"i can a-ask m' boss if he'd make ya an honourary member o-or somethin'." He said jokingly, but damned his nervous stutter. "we should prob get goin'. sorry bout dinner gettin' shot down."

Her flirty look turned to unamused in a blink. "That was terrible."

"nah, ya love m' puns. jus' admit it already swee'heart."

"I admit nothing.. Except how shitty your puns are."

"yeowch.. cuts me deep babe. cuts me deep."

His car wasn't parked too far away, so when he opened the passenger door for her he made sure to take a good look around. The last thing he wanted was to be followed by someone unsavory. What with the attack on the Dreemurr's, he had to stay alert. He'd just come so very close to being dusted in a moment of carelessness. He couldn't take any more risks.

Not with her around, especially.

Once he had buckled himself in, he put his key in the ignition. Unlike her car, his was whisper quiet as it started and pulled away from the curb.

For a few minutes they sat in silence, before Dawn let out a sigh and slumped in her seat.

"I gotta admit, I would have been pretty upset if you'd been killed tonight. As gross and weird as you are, I'm kinda growing attached to you."

His grip on the steering wheel tightened as his soul thrummed. He couldn't help the smile spreading across his mug. "heh, shucks. i'm touched. glad t' know ya care 'bout li'l ol' me tha' much."

"Hey, don't get too cocky, there. It doesn't change that I'm not gonna put out." Dawn grinned, enjoying watching him flush red across his cheekbones. "Sure, saving your life is one thing.."

"thanks. i'm okay wi' tha'. surprisingly." He looked across at her, catching her eye. "yer a top bird, dawn.."

As he glanced up at the rear-view mirror, he caught dulled headlights of a car a little ways behind them. It seemed suspicious right off the bat.

"ey, dawn?"

She looked over. "Hmmm?"

Checking the mirror again, he could see that the car had no badges or numberplate. "fuck.."

"What's wrong?" She asked, as he geared up and sped up. She took the chance to glance in the mirror beside her.

"i'm pretty sure we're bein' followed, an' i'm sure it's the same fuckers who 'ave been givin' us shit. gotta be connected.. ya might wanna hold on'ta summat."

She obeyed, grabbing the handle of the door and the edge of her seat as he pushed his foot down on the accelerator. They were outside of the speed limit now, corners becoming more and more perilous as they drove away. They must have been following them, because every turn or curve he took, they would come back into view behind them. Their speed picking up as he steadily drove faster

"ya fuckin' cunts!"

"Wow, language Sans. We're only being chased, no need for such a pottymouth. It's a shitty habit."

God damnit! Here he was trying to manoeuvre them away from these fuckers at high speeds, and she was making fucking puns? She really was going to be the death of him.

He didn't mind at all. There were worse ways to go.

He took a corner particularly hard, the squeal of tires loud as he struggled to right himself. He was a bloody good driver, but even the best had trouble with the small winding roads of his city. He wasn't sure how much longer he could keep this up.

He had to get her out of there.

"dawn, do ya trust me?"

She whipped her head around, looking at him like he was mad. "What the fuck kinda question is that?"

He too another sharp turn. "do ya trust me?"

"... Yes. Yes, I trust you." She answered. That was all he needed to know.

"hold on'ta my hand, and don't ya fuckin' dare let go!"

He held his hand out over the console, and she looked from it, to his face. He was staring into the mirrors and the road ahead. Without a word, she gripped his hand with her own, her fingers meshing with his.

"whatever ya do, don't-"

He held her hand tighter.

"let-"

His foot fell hard on the pedal, flooring it.

"go!"

With a deafening screech, he pulled the car into a skidding 180 degree turn, and she watched with horror as they went barreling head on towards their assailants. They were mere metres from hitting when the world seemed to lurch, darkness enveloping her as the air was pressed out of her lungs. God, she was dead. She was actually dead. Somehow she was still thinking but she was..

The next thing she felt was carpet underneath her as she rolled across solid ground. She was sure she had carpet burns, the stinging telling her that, no, she wasn't actually dead.

"What the fu-ugh.."

She took a few deep breaths, before pushing herself up. Her whole body hurt like hell.

"s-sorry. didn't have much time t' prep fer the jump." Sans was stood before her, looking haggard and unkempt. When he extended his hand out to help her up, she took it willingly.

"What the everloving christ on a bicycle just happe-.. Are we in your house?"

Sure enough, she recognised the furniture and walls around her. They resembled the foyer she had dropped him off in after their first meeting. "Sans, what the hell happened? The last thing I remember was you telling me to hold your hand, and then.."

"i had t' teleport us away."

"Oh.. That makes sense, I guess."

They both looked over as Papyrus came bounding into the hallway, followed by Toriel. He could see the kids all holed up in the doorway of the lounge.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? WE FELT A BURST OF MAGIC AND YE- OH."

Sans gave his brother a lazy wave. "heya. sorry t' drop in like this, but things are goin' down. tori, reckon ya can get asgore on the phone? th' bastards who thre tha' brick through ya window the other night are gettin' cocky."

She nodded, leaving to phone her husband.

Asriel stepped out of the doorway after his mother was out of the room. "Hey! You're the lady from the shooting stall!"

Papyrus shot her a cursory glance as the three children ran up to her, hugging around her legs.

"Hey guys! Small world, huh."

"Why were you with the smiley trashbag?" Chara asked, looking up deviously. Dawn let herself giggle.

"Well, we were out to dinner."

By now the kids were all standing back, watching her with curiosity. Chara scratched their head. "But didn't you shoot him down brutally and without mercy?"

"Well, yeah, but we already had dinner planned so.."

"oi." A blushing Sans pointed to the three kids, then to the staircase behind him. "get ya buns t' bed. we have grown up stuff t' sort out."

Not without some indignation, the children went back to their rooms. Sans did not want them hearing what he had to tell the others.

Toriel returned with phone in hand, passing it to Sans and walking back to stand with Papyrus and Dawn.

"asgore? yeah, i'm gonna put ya on speaker. kay.. here we go."

Static crackles came from the phone's shitty speaker, making the Don sound like he was talking through a pipe. "Yes, Sans? What has happened?"

Sans looked up at Dawn, and when she smiled consolingly, he started.

"well, jus' survived two assassination attempts. if it wasn' for m' friend yankin' me outta the way of some fucker wi' a gun, i'd be dust right now."

Sans held his hand up in a placating gesture as Papyrus let out a startled yelp.

Asgore could be heard sighing. "Christ.. Are you alright, friend?"

"fine. i'm still walkin' n' talkin', ain't i?" Sans shrugged, faltering under his brother's unamused glare. "i may have kinda used m' car t' take out a couple o' these fuckers. they was chasin' us, so i sped up real fast, turned around an' teleported us outta there before we hit.. i really liked that car too."

"NOW WE MAY HAVE THEIR BLOOD ON OUR HANDS." Papyrus grunted, folding his arms hard against his chest. "THIS WILL ONLY SPUR THEM ON.."

"I doubt they'd have lived if they hit front on.." Dawn mused out loud. "I mean, they didn't look like they were gonna swerve when we teleported away. Unless they had really good airbags. Which again, I doubt."

"wha' she said." Sans added. "i'd reckon we should get some guard members hangin' round my place while tori an' the sprogs are 'ere. these fuckers ain't playin' round."

Asgore agreed, ending the call to make some calls of his own. Sans handed the handset back to Toriel, who gently wrung her paws around it.

"I am glad you are alright, my dear friend.. I'd say we have you to thank for that." She turned to Dawn, who was now feeling a little out of place. "Thank you, child."

"YES, THANK YOU." Papyrus had walked over, placing a hand on her shoulder. His scowl was gone, replaced with a soft smile. "THIS IS THE SECOND TIME YOU HAVE RETURNED MY BROTHER HOME SAFE TO ME."

"Second time? Oh my, what happened?" Toriel gasped, but the two men only laughed.

"I got pissed n' passed out. she gave me a lift home, 'cause 'parently i was insistin' i drive m'self home." Sans shot Dawn a smirk. "ah, this is dawn, by th' way. dawn, this's toriel an' m' little bro, papyrus."

"PLEASURE." Papyrus said, taking the human's hand and kissing it gently. Toriel then took her hand, patting it as she looked down at her with a soft smile.

"It is wonderful to meet you, Dawn."

"Likewise, both of you."

Sans shuffled from one foot to the other, stretching his arms up as he yawned, exposing sharp teeth. "well, i 'unno 'bout you guys, bu' i'm fuckin' bushed.. i'll go get loox t' set up a room fer ya, dawn."

She opened her mouth to comment, but he put up a hand to stop her.

"we dunno if these creeps are watchin' the place, an' i dun reckon i got another trip in me righ' now, so yer stayin' 'ere t'night.. capiche?"

"That's.. Yeah, okay. Thank you." She replied, still a little surprised.

Toriel placed a paw onto her shoulder. "Well, while you are doing that, Sans. Dawn, would you like a cup of tea?"

Dawn's face lit up at the mention. "Oh, I would absolutely love a cuppa!"

***

"Here you go, child." Toriel said, setting a mug full of tea in front of the human woman. "I have added the two sugars and milk"

Dawn smiled, thanking her and warming her hands against the mug. "Sorry for dropping in like this. Thank you for putting me up for the night. I appreciate it.

Tori waved her hand. "Oh, my child, my darling children I are also taking up on Sans and Papyrus' hospitality. My home is not a safe place right now, I am afraid.. I am curious, forgive me, but how did you and our Sans meet?"

Dawn finished the sip she was taking. "Oh, Grillby's. I was apparently sitting in his spot." She giggled. Toriel looked at her with a smirk.

"Oh? I was under the belief that Grillby did not tolerate humans in his establishment.."

"No, but I had money. I think that won out."

"Ah, that makes cents." She winked, Dawn cracking a smile at the cute pun. "Grillby is nothing if not a shrewd businessman."

"I think my mere presence there had him smoking mad."

The large monster across from her let out a snort before descending into giggles. "That was a very good one. I see why our Sans has taken such a keen interest in you, my child."

Dawn gripped the handle of her mug a little tighter. "I don't think he's that invested in me. I mean, don't get me wrong, he seems like a good guy.. I think I'm just a plaything or something like that to him."

She didn't expect Toriel to take one of her hands into her own large paws.

"Sans called you a friend. He does not do that for many at all, my child. It is quite obvious that he cares deeply for you. He is very closed off, usually. It is habit, and it is very rare that he will open up to anyone." The kindly goat monster said with a sad smile. "I have known him for many, many years, and I can say with much certainty that he does harbor feelings for you. At the very least, you are now part of his life, his family. You have gained yourself an impassioned protector, my child."

Dawn was at a loss for words, closing her mouth when she realised she had nothing to come back with. "Oh.."

Toriel's smile perked up, and she removed her hands from the human's to take a sip of her tea. Dawn followed suit, enjoying the warmth it brought.

They both looked up when Loox came skittering into the room, taking a deep bow before turning to the human. "I have fixed you a room in the west wing, near master Sans. He requested that you be close in case anything ha-"

"ya not supposed t' tell 'er that bit!" Sans walked in, scratching the back of his skull. His jacket was gone, suspenders hanging from his hips and his shirt pulled out of his pants. He shot the two women a coy smile. "uh, yeah, loox set ya up in the room next t' mine, doll."

Dawn couldn't help but look him over. He seemed a lot more relaxed now he wasn't all done up.

"Oh, uh, thanks Sans. I guess I should go get some rest. Thank you for the tea, Toriel. It was really nice."

Tori waved her hand, smiling. "It was my pleasure, child. I would offer a nightgown for you, but I am afraid none of my own would fit you.."

Sans stopped mid yawn, shrugging. "eh, she can use one'a m' shirts or summat." He seemed to realise just what he offered after the fact, his cheeks blossoming red as he scratched at his skull again. "i mean, if ya want, or wha'ever.."

"I guess.. might have to borrow some pants too." She said, not really wanting to sleep in nothing but a shirt anywhere around him. "That okay?"

He shrugged again, starting off towards the door. "heh, sure. follow me, i'll show ya to ya room. nigh' tori."

The tall goat monster sent them both a knowing smile as they left for the stairs. "Goodnight Sans, Dawn. Sweet dreams.."


	7. What's the Apeel?

Dressed in a plain white shirt that was far too baggy for her frame and a pair of yellow and black basketball shorts gathered at her waist by a hair tie, she was finally able to lay down and relax. The bed itself was huge. Even sprawled out like a starfish, her hands and feet were nowhere close to the edges.

"So, this is how the other half live, huh?"

She sat up to pin her hair back, taking a moment to really look around. Sans had said that the room had it's own bathroom attached, but apart from coming in to drop off the clothes, he didn't say much else. Seemed more in a rush to leave, actually. Shrugging, she finished cleaning whatever makeup she could off with a wet wipe from her bag, and flopped back down onto the plush pillows.

She stared up at the ornate pressed steel ceiling above her, realising that the room was about the same size as her whole apartment. The thought made her start to feel uncomfortable. Too much open, empty space.

And here she was thinking of moving into someplace bigger soon. Now she was having second thoughts.

A loud, deep coughing startled her out of her thoughts. God, the walls must be paper thin, she could hear Sans like he was right in the room with her.

"You alright in there?"

She must have spooked him as well, because the next thing she heard was a noise of exclamation and a thud.

"ow! eh? eh, yeah, fine.. f-forgot how thin these walls are.."

She shuffled a little to get more comfortable. "I take it that's why your room is so far away from everyone else’s then. Heh.."

***

Sans shrugged off his pants, flopping down onto his bed face first, his arms stuck stark at his sides. That port from the car to home with Dawn had really sapped him of energy, both magic and otherwise. Maybe he was getting too old for this shit.

Heh, nah. He'd be doing this job until he dusted. It was too much fun to give up. That, and he had a duty to serve the Don. It wasn't something he could just give up out of the blue.

Slowly he unbuttoned his shirt, rolling around to get his arms through without having to sit. In hindsight it would have probably been less work to just sit up and do it, but hindsight is 20/20.

Once he wriggled out of the button up, leaving himself in only a white tank top and black silk boxers, he shuffled under his covers and took a few deep breaths. He had let Dawn borrow some of his clothing to sleep in, but had taken his leave before he had a chance to see her in them. If there was one thing he could appreciate, it was a woman in one of his shirts. Call it a marking thing, it felt that way to him. Something that screamed 'she's mine'.

What he wouldn't give to be able to see her right now.

He silently groaned, running his hands hard down his face. Why was he like that? Always had to be thinking with his head.. Speaking of which, he let out another silent groan at the magic that had started to worm it's way down to between his legs. Not now! She was right in the next room, and the walls were thin as shit. He used to have a room in the east wing near Papyrus, but had been relegated to the other side of the lot after bringing home one too many noisy girls. Ha! Pap was a complete hypocrite! Some of the sleepless nights Sans had to endure when his brother brought that cocky microwave home. Ew, no, cocky is not the right word to use. Damn it.

Nope, not even that thought put any sort of a damper on his magic.

Could he be that quiet? It was really looking like he would have no choice. He was really starting to regret moving the bed in the other room to the same wall as his was up against.

He flipped back his blankets, frowning down at the tent in his boxers. He was actually pretty good at controlling his magic.. Except for things like this.

Wow, so he was actually doing this. He coughed loudly out of nerves as he slowly lifted the hem of the shorts.

"You alright in there?"

He made a strangled noise as he ripped his hand away from his crotch, smacking it hard against the headboard of the bed. "ow! eh? eh, yeah, fine.. f-forgot how thin these walls are.."

He closed his eyes tight, shaking his sore hand and feeling like the biggest creep in existence. Probably a good thing he made noise when he did, as that could have gone a lot worse.

"I take it that's why your room is so far away from everyone else’s then. Heh.."

Shit, did she suspect something?

"h-heh, pretty much. i can get pretty loud.. snorin' that is. get ya fuckin' head outta th' gutter!"

The sound of her laughter was music to his ears.

"Sure, sure. Uh, would you mind if I put some music on? Helps me sleep. I'll keep it down low."

"eh, dun bother me. s'not gonna be death metal or nuthin', eh?"

Another sweet giggle came from the other side of the plaster wall. "Oh, nah. I'll save that for when I hear snoring. Then I'll slooowly turn the volume up, ever so discretely."

"prob do nuthin' t' wake me up." He answered. "i can sleep through a fuckin' blizzard, sweets."

He heard a non-committal grunt from the other side of the wall, followed by a yawn. "Night, Judge."

He was really starting to like it when she called him that.

"heh, night dawn. sweet dreams."

He let out a sigh, flipping his blankets back over himself and burying his face into his pillows. He'd have to just sleep his wayward libido away. He wasn't going to risk her hearing anything. She probably already thought him a total creep, no need to give her even more ammo.

Rolling over onto his back, he closed his eye sockets, listening to the rustle of movement from the other room. A tinkling sound started up, the music sounding more muffled through the wall, but he recognised the song. Great, he was having enough trouble with his magic as it was..

_She's thunderstorms_  
_Lying on her front, up against the wall_  
_She's thunderstorms_

He ripped one his pillows out from under his head and wrapped it back over his face, pressing down on his earholes, the blankets covering him uncomfortably heavy. Why this song? Why now? Was some higher power up there fucking with him? Probably, knowing his luck.

_I've been feeling foolish, you should try it_  
_She came and substituted the peace and quiet for_  
_Acrobatic blood, flow concertina_  
_Cheating heartbeat, rapid fire_

_She's thunderstorms_  
_Lying on her front, up against the wall_  
_She's thunderstorms_

_Here is your host, sounds as if she's pretty close_

He winced under his pillow mask, trying hard not to groan out loud as the mental images burned themselves in deep.

_When the heat starts growing horns_  
_She's thunderstorms_

_She's been loop-the-looping around my mind_  
_Her motorcycle boots give me this kind of_  
_Acrobatic blood, concertina_  
_Cheating heartbeat, rapid fire_

_She's thunderstorms_  
_Lying on her front, up against the wall_  
_She's thunderstorms_

_In an unusual place, when you're feeling far away_  
_She does what the night does to the day_

_She's thunderstorms_  
_Lying on her front, up against the wall_  
_She's thunderstorms, thunderstorms, thunderstorms_

As the song faded out, he slowly lifted the pillow away. It was drenched in red sweat, staining the pale fabric in a really suspect way. God, Pap would let him have it come laundry day. Probably wouldn't even let him explain that is was just sweat.. This time, anyway.

He dropped his arm over the edge of the bed, letting the pillow fall to the ground with a soft thump.

His already flaky resolve completely shattered as soon as he heard her sigh through the wall between them. Fuck it, he was getting up and taking care of this. The bathroom would be soundproof enough, right?

***

She let out a sigh, looking through the playlist on her phone. The shuffle of blankets from the other room made her pause and listen. Was he getting up? Maybe she had her music up too loud after all. Right when she was turning the volume down, she heard the click of a door closing. Must be going to the bathroom.

She went back to the list of songs, picking a few more to play, before she realised something. Monsters don't use bathrooms like humans do, do they. It was getting on 2 in the morning, why would he pick now to go shower-

Her eyes darted open at the soft moan she heard.

Oh god, he wasn't..

She sat up, looking back at the wall that separated them. "Sans?"

Nope, he was definitely off in the bathroom. Another noise made her cover her mouth for fear of getting caught laughing. If she could hear him, then that meant he could probably hear her if she was too loud. Wow, he was totally jacking off in there. If only he had turned the water on or something to cover up the noises he was making.

"Holy shit, Sans.." She whispered, shaking her head and turning the volume of her music back up again before slipping back down onto her back under the covers.

She was totally going to tease him about it in the morning.

***

By the time he woke up the next morning, he had completely forgotten the events of the past few hours. He got up, rubbing his eye sockets and preemptively turning off his alarm. One of the rare mornings that he woke up before it.

Getting dressed, he made his way downstairs to another wonderful looking breakfast courtesy of Toriel. This time she had made hash browns, eggs, bacon, and a large bowl of freshly cut up fruit. That was something Sans hadn't had in a while.

Dawn was already at the table, sending him a cheeky smile when she saw him walk in. "Good morning, princess, did you sleep well?"

He shrugged, pulling a chair out and plopping himself down. When he looked up at her again, he couldn't help but notice how much younger she looked without any makeup on. Her features were much softer without the contouring and lining.

"heh, slept pretty good. how 'bout you?"

Tori put a plate full of food down in front of the skeleton, and he gave a quick thanks before returning his attention to the human, and then his breakfast. If he had a stomach it would have been rumbling.

"Oh, I had a great sleep. I don't think I've had a rest in a while that would _beat it_.."

Her devious grin fell when he didn't even look up from his food as he ate. Her innuendo seemed to have gone right over his skull.

She would have to try harder.

She was given time to think when Papyrus entered the room. He asked her how her night was, glad to hear that the bed was comfortable and the room pleasant, and to her liking. He then took his own seat, joining the others as they ate.

Toriel soon sent the children away from the table to play, before turning to the adults around the table. "I was on the phone with Asgore before I came downstairs. We’ve received confirmation that, yes, the two men that were chasing you and Dawn did in fact perish in the collision. Police will most likely contact you soon, Sans. Your car was involved after all.."

"thought as much. s'alrigh' tori, i'll handle it. i can jus' say it was stolen an didn't have the time t' report it, or summat."

She nodded to him, taking her seat at the table again. “Asgore suggested just that.”

Dawn moved some of her bacon around on her plate, looking down. "That was a pretty nice car.."

Sans laughed out loud, making the rest of the table jump. "heh, yeah, was a nice car.. heh, i'll get a new, even nicer one. maybe a sleek, black chrysler hemi. a car fittin' a true gansgter- why ya all laughin'?"

Toriel placed a consoling paw up as Papyrus snickered into his glass of milk. "Apologies, Sans. It does sound like a good choice."

"YES. WITH SUCH A LARGE, OBNOXIOUS GRILL, IT WILL MATCH IT'S OWNER PERFECTLY! NYEH HEH HEH!"

Even Dawn was giggling at that. Grinning, Sans flipped his brother the bird before excusing himself from the table, motioning for her to follow.

She thanked Tori for the meal, quickly getting up to follow him out. They walked along the hall, Sans leading her out past the kitchen and down to a large door, opening it up to the lush back gardens. She glanced around in awe. It was beautiful, plants overgrowing in organised chaos. The whole area lush greens and bright flowers. "Wooow, nice plants."

He barely concealed his laugh with a cough, holding his arm out, telling her to go ahead and step outside. He walked out after her, pulling a cigar out from the inner pocket of his jacket and lighting it with a flick of his wrist. She wandered around as he blew out a cloud of grey smoke, watching her as she observed her surroundings.

A large crop of green bananas caught her eye, and she looked back at him pointing up at them. "You had better tell me when they get ripe. If I miss out on some of those I will never forgive you."

He laughed her threat off, walking over. "they're lady fingers. not quite like th' ones ya get in th' shops."

"I know, I like them so much better. Believe me, I know my bananas."

"oh?" He offered, looking up at the large crop, and then back to her face. The way the morning light filtered through the trees made her look peaceful. "ya know yer bananas, huh?"

"If that was supposed to be some dirty innuendo, I swear to god, I will pinch you."

He took another puff of the cigar to quell a snicker. "heh, nah, not that time. surprisin'ly.. besides, what ya gonna be pinchin' when i'm all bone, dollface."

"I'll find a way. Don't you fret." She said, still looking around at the various plants and trees around her. There were quite a few fruit bearing plants around. She pointed at a citrus tree that was overrun with underripe fruit. "I'm quite _resource_ ful, y'know."

"heh, _orange_ ya bein a bit cocky?" He quipped back, his grin wide enough to start hurting. " _lime_ not th' one t' mess wit'."

"Should _kinnow_ by now that I'm stubborn. I get what I want."

"if ya gonna be such a brat, _iyokan_ get goin' then." He stepped closer and closer to where she was standing. Her own hands sat on her hips as she glared at him. "ya really gonna get in a pun war wi' th' best?"

" _Calamondin_ gimme your best shot!"

He blinked, his cigar sitting limp in his teeth. "ah, fuck.. i got nuthin'.."

"That's what I thought. Face it, Judge, you're losing your touch." Her smug expression did little to quell the thrumming of his soul.

He hid it behind a grin just as self assured.

"alrigh', ya on li'l lady. ya reckon ya can best me? i'd love t' see ya try.."

"Christ sake, just kiss her already!" Chara shouted from back over near the house. Their siblings tumbling about with laughter as Sans realised just how close his face was to hers.

"th' hell? oi! you lot get back in'ere!"

They did as they were told, still laughing as they shut the glass door behind them. Sans huffed, rolling his shoulders as he took a few deep puffs. Sometimes those kids could really get under his skin.

"So, uh.. did you just come out here for a smoke break, or?"

His attention snapped back to Dawn who, much to his internalised delight, was heartily blushing. The red lighting up her soft cheeks in such a pretty way.

"oh, uh, yeah. thought ya might wanna get some fresh air, too. ya can go back in if ya wanna.."

Shaking her head, she slowly reached up and plucked the cigar from his toothy maw, turning it and taking a deep drag, before blowing the smoke up into the air above them. "I've been dying for a smoke like you wouldn't believe! I ran out before we went to dinner. Dealing with randy assholes trying to get free games and children screaming all day really tests me, and I burnt through my last pack like wildfire. Oh, Cheers." She took one last puff, and handed the cigar back to him. He accepted it back with a nod, not breaking eye contact as he placed it back between his teeth.

"yer welcome, babydoll."

She looked up at him with a genuine smile, before heading back towards the house. He looked back out over the garden, letting out a breath of smoke. He was about to stub out the cigar and follow when he was pulled around by the collar of his jacket.

Dawn took it out of his mouth again, but instead of taking it for herself, she placed a chaste kiss on his teeth. He barely had time to realise what was happening when the softness of her lips were gone, the cool morning air hitting him harder than before with the absence of her warmth.

"Now don't go getting used to that, was just a thank you for all you've done.. So, thank you."

She let go of his collar and handed him the cigar, slipping away and disappearing into the house.

It was a full twenty seconds before he actually realised what had happened. He lifted a hand up to his teeth, ghosting over the spot she had kissed him. His soul doing somersaults in his chest.

"holy shit.."

By the time he had collected himself enough to follow, she was already sitting back at the dining room table with Tori and the kids. They all looked freshly scolded.

"Ah, Sans, good of you to join us. Would you like some tea? I just put the kettle on for Dawn."

He adjusted the knot of his tie nervously, nodding. Toriel took her leave and he sat down next to Frisk, as they coloured in something on a scrap of paper. Now that their mother was out of the room, their devious smiles returned.

"So, Dawn." Chara started, casting her uncle the cheekiest smile they could manage. It ended up looking creepy, more than anything. "Would you smooch a skeleton?"

Dawn and Sans exchanged a look, and she looked back at the plotting youths with an innocent smile. "Well, I already did, so yeah. Sure."

Even Frisk let out a shocked squeak at this new information, the three youngsters turning on their already flustered uncle.

"was jus' a peck, tha's all.." He said through gritted teeth, side-eyeing the little rugrats.

"Oh hoh hoh!" Chara jumped up, slamming their fists against the wooden table top with a pathetic thud. “You’re blushing!”

Dawn couldn't contain her amusement at the scene before her. Both at the children's reactions, and at the flustered skele-man trying desperately to do damage control.

"y-ya wan' me t' go get ya mom? sit ya butts down an’ calm down, jesus christ!"

Thankfully Tori chose that moment to walk back into the room with two steaming cups of tea, the three kids going back to acting morose. She handed the cups over and nipped back to get her own. Frisk tapped Sans on the shoulder, handing him their drawing with an almost audible wink.

"huh, wassah?"

It was a picture of, what he assumed to be himself and Dawn, hugging and kissing. There were little speech balloons everywhere with "Mwah!'s and "Smooch!'s. He somehow refrained from scrunching it up in mortification. It was actually pretty well drawn, but definitely NOT fridge material.

"geez, kid. ya gonna be th' death'a me.."

His metaphorical stomach dropped when Dawn asked to see. The other two kids giggled softly while Frisk looked smug. He really did not want to hand it over. Folding it up, he tried to slip it into his jacket pocket. If only Chara wasn't such a little shit.

"It's a picture of you and Sans kissing and hugging and doing gross mushy stuff!" They cackled. Asriel hid his red snout behind his ears. Frisk still looked smug.

"Oh? If I'd have known we were drawing things that will never happen, I should have drawn a unicorn jumping over a rainbow or something."

The room fell into a heavy silence, broken only by Chara flopping off of their chair and onto the floor, laughter wracking their small body and starting the other two up as well. Even Toriel, who was back with her tea, had to cover her snout with a paw to try and retain her motherly control. "My children, do be more tactful."

Sans was gobsmacked, staring at Dawn like a fish out of water. She almost felt bad at how harsh she had been with her joking around.

"I was just kidding, Sans. Don't look so devastated." She added, hoping that she hadn't actually upset him. He threw his head back and barked with laughter, giving her the answer.

"ha! ya really know how'ta cut righ' through a bloke's ego, huh?"

She smirked, taking a sip of her tea and leaning back in her chair. "It's a special talent of mine, I guess.."

***

"Sans?"

He started at her sudden appearance, the book he was browsing through falling into his lap when he jumped in his seat. "huh? yeah, doll?"

Dawn rolled her eyes. "So much for being more alert, huh Sans? Uh, do you reckon you could take me back to mine soonish? I remembered I have work later, and I can't miss it."

He stowed the book back on the nearby table, heaving himself up out of the comfy chair with a strained noise. "sure, sure. ya got all ya crap?"

She nodded, patting the handbag hanging off her shoulder. "All set. Whenever you're ready. Need my address?"

He shook his head. "plug it int'a google maps or summat. i should be able t' handle th' rest. i can take ya to yer front door."

She brought up her apartment building on her phone, showing it to him. "Just near the front doors is fine. I'm a few floors up."

"a'righ', hold ont'a ya socks and hold ont'a me. same as before, dun let g- oh."

She stepped forward, wrapping her arms up around his neck. His stunned expression making her hum her amusement. "This alright?"

His open mouth shut fast, turning up into a cocky grin as his eyelids drooped.

"jus' fiiiine, dollface."

He grabbed around her waist, holding her flush against his chest as he blipped away. The sensation of falling was momentary, and before she could even think to comment on it, they were stood in front of her building.

"yeah, if i have time t' prepare, and the situation ain't dire like it was before, portin' roun' is pretty easy. ya righ' ta' get in, babe?"

She shook her head, trying to will away a little bit of dizziness that had cropped up. "Oh? Yeah, I can take it from here."

While she was digging around her bag for her keys, Sans took a moment to observe his surroundings. The flats were in the poorer end of town, somewhere Sans seemed to spend a lot of his time with work and other.. less savory activities.

It was far from safe.

"mind if i escort ya t' ya room? i dun like the idea a'ya bein' alone righ' now."

"If it makes you feel better.. Aha!" The key opened the large, rusty looking door lock. "They must have finally oiled it. Usually puts up more of a fight. Follow me, then."

The building didn't even have a lift, so they were stuck walking up flights of boring, damp concrete stairwells. The railings were flaking paint over the dull grey steps, gum covering the underside of the metal. Sans pulled his hand back gingerly after discovering that fact.

"They pressure wash everything down every few months. Doesn't take long to get back to a state."

"fuckin' disgustin'." He muttered as he wiped his fingers up and down his pant leg. They still felt so dirty.

Soon enough they were standing in front of her flat, and she was searching her key ring for the right one. "Did you wanna come in for a coffee or something? I think I have milk."

He shrugged. "i might pop in fer a minute. i can port back from inside, so i dun spook any a'ya neighbors if they come out."

"Suit yourself. Only really crackheads on this floor. They'd probably just chalk it up to a weird trip or something." She opened the door, waving a hand to invite him in.

The room itself was small, with low ceilings and cracking walls. Open plan was one way to describe it. There was a couch, with a small dining table behind it, which looked like they were sitting in a sparse looking kitchen. There were blankets on the lounge, and a pillow. Did she sleep on that instead of a bed? Now he was concerned.

"ya, uh.. ya have a bedroom or.."

"Nope. Couch is actually one of the comfiest I've ever owned. How many sugars?"

He looked over to see she had already put the kettle on, two large mugs sat on the counter.

"two, 'n no milk. cheers, doll."

He took a seat on the undersized couch, still looking around. At least it looked like she was trying to turn it into a home. There were some paintings up, and a nice set of curtains sat over the only window. There was a large, shaggy red rug on the cold cement floor, and trinkets and ornaments covered the available surfaces. A small TV sat atop a small wooden table, some books and DVDs under it, as well as a little set of speakers.

The whir of the kettle sounded, and a few moments later she made her way over with the two mugs. Hers was light and milky, his black.

"ta." He said when he took the cup from her. He took a sip, moving a little so she could sit down next to him. "so, uh, ya said ya had work later. what kinda things ya do?"

She took a deep sip of her coffee, looking at the wall across from her. "Waitressing."

"geez, s'a'bit late t' be servin' food, duncha reckon? what kinda place you workin' at?" He asked, his curiosity turning slightly to concern again. She didn't seem to want to answer his questions.

"Late night place. So, any plans for tomorrow?"

He frowned, but she didn't see it. Usually he would question such a change in subject, but he was getting the vibe that she didn't want to discuss it. "heh, nope. probably damage control after the whole car thing.. i should probably be off."

He drank the last few mouthfuls quickly, handing her the empty cup and standing, adjusting his hat and jacket as he did.

She stood, clutching the mugs to her chest. "Thanks for bringing me home, Sans. I do appreciate it.. Last couple of days have been wild, huh?"

"wild is'a bit'a'va understatement, love."

He was about to tip his hat goodnight, when she put down the Mugs and wrapped her arms around him. He was taken aback at first, but then he slowly melted into the embrace, wrapping his large arms around her.

She was so soft, but strangely firm at the same time. It wasn't like hugging a monster, or any other human he'd been 'close' with. She felt grounding, and it was such an intoxicating feeling.

He really did not want to let her go.

...

...

...

"Sans? You, uh, can stop hugging me now."

He begrudgingly let her go and brought a closed hand up to clear his throat, watching her as she stepped away.

"Anyway, thanks for dinner, Sans.. Even if we didn't get to enjoy it. I'd.." She looked to the side, avoiding his stare. "I'd like to try it again, some time. Maybe we can get through to dessert next time."

When she looked back up at him, he could feel his soul slam against his chest. The way she was looking through those long lashes, and that smile.

"eh-heh, uh, s-sure! i'd like that, actually.." He scratched at the bones that made up his neck, his magic flushing up into his cheekbones. "i'll shoot ya a text sometime. maybe once shit's calmed down a bit."

She nodded softly, and he tipped the brim of his hat to her.

"seeya 'round, dawn. stay safe, a'right?"

With that, he quickly teleported away, leaving her standing alone in her apartment. She took her phone out of her bag, laughing to herself as she sent him a message.

[Dawn] By the way, you should really turn your shower on if you're gonna be so noisy. ;)

***

He blipped into his room, taking off his hat and coat before taking a seat at his desk. He wasn't exactly in the mood to retire just yet. Might as well check over some paperwork he owed Asgore.

He put his phone down on the table, running his hands down his face as he yawned, finishing it off with a groan. There was a reason he had been putting this off for so long. All insurance shit. He begrudgingly agreed to help with the paperwork side of things to try and keep the Don's plate free for other things, and boy howdy, was he regretting it. He picked up a pen, dragging one of the forms closer so he could read it.

God, this one was from a raid months ago. He and Pap had thrown some poor schmuck through his own shopfront window after he had failed to make good on his payments 3 months in a row. Sure, the Don was fairly forgiving if it was only a month or so, especially when there was a history of paying on time and in full, but this cocky little shit of a human thought he could smart-mouth his way out of paying his dues. Really, it had been Sans doing most of the manhandling, but he liked to let Pap take the credit for it too. His brother deserved more praise than he got.

Even if all he did was stand to the side yelling at Sans about "UNNECESSARY WINDOW BREAKING! YOU COULD HAVE JUST AS EASILY SHOT HIM IN THE LEG, OR SOMETHING!"

He was distracted from memories by the buzz of his phone against the wooden tabletop. Grabbing it, he sat back in his chair. Sweet, sweet distraction! He welcomed it.

[Dawn] By the way, you should really turn your shower on if you're gonna be so noisy. ;)

He squinted in semi-disbelief, reading through again, before dropping his arms and falling forward to lay his skull against the table with a hard thud. A red flush spreading up his temporal bones and across the back of his skull and neck.

"fu _uuuuggggghh_.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My childhood house had Banana trees down one side. They were sugar bananas, or 'lady fingers'. It was always a race with the Bats to get the bunches when they were almost ripe..
> 
> Damn them bats are fast. :P
> 
> [I have a tumblr over here](https://wannabuyahotcat.tumblr.com/).


	8. Jumping the Gun

"SANS! COME HERE!"

"jesus christ, i'm like 5 feet away! ya dun' have t' scream everythin', ya lanky bastard!"

Sans rubbed at his earhole as his brother thrust some more paperwork into his other hand. He had fallen asleep atop the pile of insurance papers on his desk, and Pap'd finally had enough. Ever the organised monster, he had lifted up Sans' noggin and taken them all, fixing everything up himself. All they needed was Sans' mark to be able to send them back off to the insurance agencies.

"YOU SERIOUSLY OWE ME FOR THIS."

Sans blew a raspberry at the pompous, pointed skeleton. "yer th' one who decided t' fill 'em all in. i was chippin' away at 'em pretty timely, like."

"HA! WITH YOU, TIMELY IS AN OXYMORON. OH FOR- _THIS_ ONE IS FROM 3 YEARS AGO?" Papyrus snapped, picking up a particularly crumpled and coffee-ringed paper. "I SWEAR YOU GET LAZIER AND LAZIER EVERY GOD DAMNED DAY."

"I was waitin' fer it t' mature. tha's all."

The taller skeleton let out a long, tired sigh. "YES. THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING ABOUT YOU FOR THE PAST FEW DECADES, TOO. I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AT THIS POINT."

"oh, ye o' so li'l faith." Sans snickered, being ejected silently from the room with a gesture. "fine, i'll go get all these signed up fer ya."

He retreated back to his bedroom, chucking the bundle of papers onto his desk, then flopping back onto his bed. Even just picking a pen up and writing his name felt like too much work. This was a much more worthwhile use of his time.

His rest was short lived, however, when he heard his brother stomping up to his door, calling out to him in a sing song voice. "SAAANS, I DON'T HEAR ANY SIIIGNIIING."

"i'll do it in a sec. takin' a break."

"A BRE- A BREAK FROM _WHAT_? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? JUST SIGN. THE. DAMN. PAPERS. SANS."

"ridn' my ass like a fuckin' dominatrix, bro."

A disgusted hiss sounded from behind the closed door. "DO NOT _EVER_ SAY THAT PHRASE TO ME _EVER_ AGAIN. GET SIGNING.. THEN MAYBE I'LL LET YOU DO THE ROUNDS TONIGHT."

As soon as Papyrus had mentioned that, Sans sprang up and furiously got to signing. An amused scoff echoed through the room.

"NYEH HEH! I KNEW _THAT_ WOULD MOTIVATE YOU. I'LL WRITE UP SOME THINGS I NEED YOU TO CHECK ON FOR LATER. BRING ME THE PAPERWORK WHEN YOU'RE DONE."

Footsteps disappeared back down the hall as Sans left his mark on the last paper. He loved going to check up on the clubs and venues the family owned. There were a few classy (and not-so-classy) strip clubs in with them.

Those were what he was really interested in.

***

Of course Pap would order him to leave the clubs until last. Of course.

Sans had made quick work of checking into the owned establishments, throwing his weight around a little just for his own amusement. Everyone had been so cooperative, and here he was looking forward to a little bit of fighting.

He let go of his wants the second he stepped inside one of the bigger strip joints under their control. He wasn't going to start shit there.

Approaching the bar, we waved over an older woman with a buzzed haircut. She looked like the last kind of person you would find behind the counter, her wrinkled skin and heavily caked makeup making her look almost scary. Hell, you didn't need to look like a spring chicken to run such a big club as well as she did.

"evenin' olga. nice seein' ya."

She stalked over to the bar with a deep frown, crooking a long crimson nail for him to follow her to the back. Once they were both in her office, she finally smiled, before turning to her drinks cabinet and grabbing a couple of glasses.

"Sansy, been a long while since I seen ya here. Ya brother actually let ya check in fer once, ey?"

He shrugged, accepting the gin she poured him while she had been talking. "heh, he's nice t' me sometimes. how's business like?"

"It's been a bit quiet, but we gotta couple'a new girls comin' in next week t' hopefully livin' things."

He sipped at the strong liquor. "hmmm, didn't see angel in. she not workin' tonight?"

Angel had always been a favourite of his. She was a waif little blonde thing, with a submissive streak a mile long. Not one for conversation, and he liked that.. Or well, he used to. Anyway, she brought in a good chunk of the money.

"Ey? Didn't ya brother tell ya?"

They stood facing each other, until Sans sighed. "tell me what, olga?"

She smirked, already pouring herself another glass. "She and a couple'a other gals jumped ship weeks ago."

"what?" Sans snapped, his drink sloshing out onto the hardwood floor. "where th' fuck did they go? i thought they was happy here? no one tells me shit!"

"Watch the booze, son." She snorted. "This is my nice stuff."

He really doubted she had any idea of what constituted as 'nice' anymore. Years of drinking and drug abuse obviously had dulled her senses. It was pretty much pure alcohol. "fuck th' booze, where my girls at?"

She studied him for a moment, before caving in with a huff, downing her second glass.

"They got a better offer elsewhere. I tried talkin' Angel outta it, at least. Though she seemed.. like _her hands were tied_."

That phrase was not just a throwaway, it was a warning. Sans growled, throwing the glass down onto her desk with a clack. "fuckers.. who's got'er, olga? tell me, or so fuckin' help me-"

"Alright!" She said, holding her hands up as he approached her. "The only info I got is that the family go by Rossi. Humans."

Rossi? Sans racked his mind trying to place that name. He'd heard it before, but when.

"Besides, ya brother already lookin' into it." She added when he went quiet. Great, this was all he needed. Some other fuckers were stealing their business.

"I'm outta here."

"Fine." She said flatly, picking up his abandoned glass and putting it aside. "Nothin' new t' report anyway. we still gettin' good cashflow. No shootin's or barfights in at least a week, too- _Oi_!"

Sans was already out the door, and he was majorly pissed off. Papyrus had a habit of hiding things from him, thinking them not important. He would have been fine if the girls had left of their own accords, and if someone had actually let him know, but knowing they had jumped ship like that simply worried him. Were they alright? Were they being treated well? Who were this 'Rossi' clan, and why HIS girls..

He stopped once he was outside the front doors, looking around at some of the card flickers around. They all seemed to cast their eyes downwards as he moved past them. Maybe they could tell he was mad. He hoped so.

A quick teleport brought him further downtown, to another smaller club. His heart wasn't in it anymore. Now he just wanted to go home and sleep, maybe some mustard to calm his ire.

Pap had some explaining to do.

***

By the time he was done with Pap's checklist, he found himself feeling fairly calm again. It was probably a good thing, his jaw was starting to hurt from clenching it. He didn't mean to, just a habit he often had no idea he was doing until pain set in.

He was pretty deep into the city at that point, realising suddenly that he was within' walking distance to Dawn's place. Heh, would she mind a visitor at this time of night? No, probably a bit too soon for housecalls. Besides, how creepy would that be; She'd probably regret letting him know where she lived in the first place.

Instead, he stalked the empty streets for a while, before stumbling upon a small, dingy looking strip club, one not under his jurisdiction. The posters and neon signs around showed that it held a mix of humans and monsters.

Good enough.

Stepping inside, he noticed that this place was pretty busy for something so hole-in-the-wall. Men and girls filled the cramped spaces, the bartenders constantly working to serve the crowds of drunk, horny men. As far as Sans could see, the girls were of decent quality. Not many stunners, but then again, who was he to judge.

Heh, judge.

He pulled his hat down lower, moving along the edge of the room to the bar. He took the first empty seat and ordered.

As he sat and sipped at his dink, he watched the patrons and workers alike. He spotted one or two girls he wouldn't mind a lap dance or something from, but he wasn't really in the mood to get up and approach. He wasn't feeling the need to.

Strange.. He realised that he wasn't all that interested after all.

Well, he could still sit back and enjoy the sights, like the catfight that broke out a few feet away from him. Some woman and her husband's mistress was what he made out from the shouting. By the time someone came out to break them up, the husband in question was long gone, and Sans found it simply hilarious.

He'd tried to start a few conversations with the bar staff, but no one seemed to have the time or the want to talk. Hmph, shitty customer service was just another charm of this hole, then. After the third go trying to ask one of the bar staff a few questions, he gave up with a muted growl. Slamming his last drink back, he decided to go mingle with the crowds for a while. Well, kind of hard to really mingle when he was taller than 99% of the people and monsters in there.

After a while of aimlessly wandering around, he took a seat on a long, curved sofa in front of a curtained stage for a breather, two girls eventually approaching him from either side. One was a dark haired, wiry human woman with very obvious fake tits, the other some kind of aquatic squid monster with _somehow_ the same. One of her long, sucker covered arms confidently wound it's way around his shoulder.

"Hey, big boy. Wanna spend the night with us? Hmmm?" Her hand slithered over his collar and down his neck, the feeling making him shiver. The monster gave a dainty snicker at his reaction. "You know, my suckers aren't just for traversing.."

Usually he would make some gross innuendo, maybe cop a feel or two himself, but tonight he just wasn't feeling it. Something was still gnawing at him, and he wasn't his usual pervy self.

"Look, gals, while i 'preciate the attention, uh, i'm really not into it righ' now." He said as kindly as he could, not wanting to offend them. It seemed that the octopus monster wasn't going to take no for an answer, as she added another flowing tentacle into the mix. This one was winding across his lap, catching the clip of his suspenders and tugging it.

"Awwww, but it's not everyday a girl gets to meet the Judge."

He grabbed the wandering tentacle, pulling it away and pushing her back. "i said no. don't even try it, lady."

She feigned innocence, her beaked mouth opening in surprise. "Oh, my, i'm so sorry. How can I make it up to you?"

He was not having any of it.

"ya can get yer slimy feelers off me, fer a start."

He pushed both girls away from him as he went to stand. Fixing his collar, he shifted forward in his seat, when he looked up to a woman carrying a tray full of drinks, and a very familiar face.

".. dawn!?"

"Sans!?" She answered back, just as shocked as he was to be meeting there. "What the hell are you.. Oh, wait. Brothel. I get it."

Sans took a quick moment to look her over, a dull anger blooming in his chest when he saw how she was all dolled up. Her transparent skirt was cut way too short and her shirt cut way to low, her make-up even darker and sharper than her usual fare. He did not like it. Not one little bit.

The octopus monster sitting next to him scoffed loudly. "Oh, here's the drinks girl. A glass of rum n' coke, go get it ~Nancy! Huehuehue!"

Dawn seemed to flush at the way the girl spoke to her, speaking through a tight grimace. "I've told you, don't call me that."

"Whatever." She spat back. "What kind of name is Dawn anyway. Sounds like you're an old lady- Oh, wait, you _are_ an old lady!"

"th' fuck is yer problem, ya sea dwellin' mollusc?"

Dawn couldn't hold back her laughter as the monster girl looked absolutely gobsmacked. Even her human accomplice was covering her mouth in an effort to not laugh. Her dimpled skin turned a brilliant scarlet, her many limbs flicking dangerously. "You.. You're an asshole!"

He scoffed, standing and walking to Dawn's side. "'least i'm not some creep who can't take no fer'n answer. gonna get ya'self dusted doin' shit like tha', 'specially to someone like me. fuck off."

He placed a hand at Dawn's elbow, gently leading her away as the girl sat and stewed, yelling obscenities after them. All they could do was laugh. It was pretty pathetic. Once they had reached the bar and she had put the tray down, Sans changed direction, walking them down a hall where the bathrooms were situated. When they had walked far enough away from the music and people, he turned to her with his hands buried in his pockets, his expression stony.

"i dun want ya workin' in a place like this, 'specially wearin' summat like that." He motioned up and down her body with a now free hand. "yer way too classy a' lady, dawn."

She only blinked up at him, before shaking her head in disbelief. "Excuse me?"

He leaned in towards her, placing his arm against the wall next to her. "ya heard me. ya too good t' be slummin' it in a whore house. I dun like the idea a' men puttin' they hands on ya.."

She reached up to grab his arm, pulling it down and forcing him to take a step back. "Like hell!? I don't- I'm just a fucking waitress here, Sans. Do you really think I would let anyone touch me like that? I've broken a guys nose before for trying to grab my ass."

What was supposed to lighten the mood only made Sans' look darker, a growl starting in his chest that she didn't like the sound of.

"Sans, calm down. You're making way too big 'a deal of this-"

"i'm _not_ gonna let m' girl work in a fuckin' strip club!" He growled.

"Your girl?" She spluttered, looking up at him in disbelief. "Okay.. One, I am not 'your girl' and two, you cant tell me where I can and cannot work. I don't know if you noticed, Sans, but i'm not exactly in any position to be picky. I fought tooth and nail to get this job, and this is the best i can do right now with the circumstances I find myself in. If I don't work, I don't eat. Ha, but its not like you'd know what its like to have to sell your pride just to fucking survive.."

His expression fell, and so did his head heavy against his chest. ".. i geddit.. i just.. i worry about ya.."

She blew air out through her nose, gripping it between her fingers. "Sans, you're a giant dingus, y'know that? Look, if you could find me something better, I'm more than willing to give this dump the flick. I just.. I can't not work.. Y'know?"

He was nodding, already wracking his non-existent brain to think of something. Anything, other than this. "I can maybe get ya a job workin' at one'a the restaurants we own, or at-"

"No!"

He looked across at her again, confusion plaguing his features. "come again, dollface?"

"I mean, no. I don't want to be working somewhere owned by you guys. Look, no offence, but I'd rather not be involved with a mob fami- Stop laughing. The irony isn't lost on me." She smirked as he chortled. "I just mean I don't want to be financially tied."

"well i've already bought ya a drink, love. yer already one'a us." Sans took a step back, giving her some space. "if ya worried about findin' ya'self outta work or money, don't. i'll take care'a ya."

"I'm not a charity case, y'know." She said sheepishly, rubbing her elbow with her other hand. "I don't want you to feel like you need to take care of me. I'm doing just fine. I've been doing just fine since I can remember."

There was a tense silence between them, until Sans shuffled on the spot, shoving his hands into his pockets and smirking.

"so.. ya gonna go tell ya boss yer quitin' or am I gonna have t' do it fer ya?"

She blew a raspberry, waving with the hand that was up in the air. "Fine, you talked me into it. Oh, and go knock yourself out. He hates my guts anyway. Go give him a good ol' Judgin'."

He felt that now familiar thumping of his soul in his chest as he held a hand out to her. She took it lightly, leading him off to her boss's office. She might as well use Sans' intimidation factor to her advantage to tell her boss to ‘shove it'.

***

A mousy young woman knocked at the door to the owner's office. The room filled with thick smoke, making her cough as she entered.

"Mistah Jackson, Dawn and ‘er friend wanna speak t' ya.."

He rolled a cigar in his fingers, his thin mouth pulled up into a sneer of a smile. "Is'at so.. Alright, send ‘em in then."

He was about ready to tell her to bugger off, when another large figure walked into the room. When he recognized the glowing red eye though the haze, he faltered back into his seat.

"Y-you.."

Sans made his way to the front of the large desk, taking his hat off and placing it over the tacky gold plate with ‘Big Boss' etched into it. "heh, ya seem t' know who i am, so i take it i dun need to make introductions."

The owner eyed the sharp gold tooth sticking out from the skeleton's eerie grin, a bubble catching in his throat as he went to speak, resulting in a pathetic sounding squeak.

"such a meanin'ful conversation." Sans said, leaning down onto the table on one large hand. "well, as much as i'd love t' keep up th' chit chat, i'm ‘ere for a reason."

"A-and what would that be, exactly?" The much smaller man asked, trying to keep up some kind of front as his shaking hands gave away everything. "My P.A. said that one of my girls needed to sp-"

"Yeah, I've come here to put forward my 5 minutes notice, Paulie." Dawn stepped out from behind the behemoth of a monster, a gentle smirk gracing her features. "I quit."

Paulie looked from her to Sans, and back to her. "What do ya mean, ya qui-"

"she means exactly what ya heard. she ain't gonna be workin' here, no mo'. so yer gonna pay ‘er fer two weeks, as well as what ya owe her at this point, and yer gonna be happy ‘bout'dit. capice?"

Sans stood back up to his full height, dwarfing both of the humans there.

"And what if I say no?" Paulie asked, his hand slowly moving under the edge of his desk. Before anyone could do or say anything, Sans had pulled his own gun from its holster, holding it up to line up the owner's forehead, his clawed finger already pulling at the trigger. Dawn gasped at the proceedings, not at all expecting things to get this heated. She took a wary step back behind her friend, who wrapped his free arm back around her protectively.

"ya gonna put both'a ya hands up on th' table were I can see'um. ya try summat foolish like tha' again, an I might jus' blow ya worthless brains all ov'a th' wall. it would be m' pleasure, believe me." His voice was canted deep, an intimidating purr permeating his words.

Paulie ripped his hand back up onto the surface of his desk, beads of sweat dripping down his wrinkled forehead as he stared into the barrel of the magnum. "R-r-right.."

Dawn coughed, reminding Sans what they were there for. "heh, so ya gonna agree t' m' terms? or am I gonna have t' splatter ya right here' 'n now."

"FINE!" Paulie cried throwing his hands up in a gesture of defeat. "Deal. J-just leave me be, okay!"

Dawn sniffed, looking up at her friend from around his huge arm, his gun still pointed at her now ex-boss. "Now I need that in writing and we're done here."

Paulie made no indication he was going to move, until Sans tipped the gun, motioning him to stand. "ya heard th' lady, ya gonna get all that on paper with ya john hancock right. now."

There was little resistance on her ex-boss' end after that. He had hand written the terms and signed it, Sans and Dawn both putting their signatures down on two copies. One for her, and one for Paulie to keep. Sans did like being fair, sometimes. It was minutes later that he and Dawn stepped back out into the cold night air. Her skimpy clothing obscured by his jacket that he had insisted she wear. It wasn't like she was going to refuse. It was pretty dang cold.

"Now I just wait for the money to start rolling in, huh?" She joked as they walked along the dark road towards her building. The club was mere blocks away.

"an' if it don't, I might jus' 'ave t' pay paulie another visit, eh?"

"He was shitting himself big time, it was fucking hilarious!" She cackled, bumping him playfully as they walked. He let himself smile, bumping her back with his hip gently. He had enough power behind it to send her flying, after all.

It didn't take long for them to arrive back at her apartment building, and this time Sans declined her offer of coffee. He still had some work to do back home before sun up. What had meant to be a quick stop in at that club turned into an hour long ordeal. Once they were up in her flat, she gave back his jacket. When he threw it back on, he could feel the warmth still lingering. It was pleasant.

"i'll have a word wit' a couple o' m' friends, see if I can get ya a good job somewhere. until then.." He stopped, pulling out his wallet and picking out a platinum AMEX card. She looked at it with curiosity, until he lifted up her hand and placed it in her palm.

"Sans, no.."

"sans, yes. go on, spoil ya'self with some other suckers money. not like i'm usin it fer anythin' worthwhile fer m'self." When she moved her hand to give it back, he gently wrapped her fingers over it, placing his hand over hers. "please."

After a little bit of a staring contest, she closed her eyes and slumped, relenting.

"Fine. But don't expect me to run up a big bill.. I have a few outstanding bills but-"

"then take care of'em." He said flatly, taking his hand away from hers and pressing it back into the pocket of his jacket. It could have come off as blase, but he was relishing the warmth of her hands while it lasted, the jacket already cold. "i'll be off.. take care, a'right? i'll be in touch soon."

He dipped the brim of his hat, dissolving into nothingness, a cocky wink the last thing she saw as he vanished. She still felt weirded out by that.

He reappeared right in his brother's bedroom, hoping not to walk in on anything. He was in luck, as Papyrus was laying back on his bed with a book. The other squaking when Sans blipped into existence. "JESUS CHRIST!"

"nah, jus' me. flattered, though." Sans snickered, watching his brother try and regain his composure.

"I HAVE A DOOR, SO USE IT.. WHAT DO YOU WANT? HAVE YOU FINISHED YOUR ROUNDS?"

"yep. heh, jus' 'ave one li'l question though." He plopped down onto the edge of the pristinly made bed, earning a sneer. "why th' fuck didn't ya tell me 'bout angel and the other gals leavin fer these 'rossi' cunts?"

Pap looked up from his book, his brows furrowed and his nasal ridge crinkling. "BECAUSE I KNEW YOU'D MAKE A BIG SONG AND DANCE ABOUT IT, THAT'S WHY."

"an' yer sittin' here all calm an' shit? they was our best girls, papy! ya actin' like it's no big deal."

"IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS, IT'S NOT- OKAY, LOOK.." He sighed, closing the book and setting it aside. "YES, THIS IS NOT SOMETHING TO SNEEZE AT, BUT I HAVE ALREADY DISCUSSED MATTERS WITH METTATON AND ASGORE.. WE ARE WORKING ON GETTING THEM BACK, AND WE DON'T NEED YOU BLOWING UP ALL OVER THE PLA- NO! YOU DROP THAT SMIRK RIGHT NOW!"

Sans rolled his eyelights before looking back at his brother with a more serious expression. "so ya guys have any plans?"

"KIND OF.."

He waited, again, for the other to speak. "and?"

"FIRST WE NEED TO LEARN MORE ABOUT ROSSI."

"an' who exac'ly is this fucker 'oo thinks 'e can geddaway with stealin' our girls, eh?"

Papyrus pulled out his phone, flicking through it. "IF YOU SPOKE WITH ANY MORE OF A SLUR WE'D BE INCLINED TO THINK YOU WE'RE PERPETUALLY PISSED.. AH!"

Handing the device over, Sans was greeted with a picture of a distinguished looking older man. His platinum hair slicked back and his fingers and neck encrusted with golden chains and rings. "so, who'm i lookin' at?"

"DON DONAVON ROSSI."

"ya gotta stutter or summat papy? heh, i'm kiddin' ya!" Sans chuckled at the unimpressed glare his brother shot him. "don rossi, huh.. well, now i know who's skull t' crush."

"YOU WILL DO NOTHING OF THE SORT, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE BROUGHT BACK HOME IN A FUCKING BOX, YOU FUCKING NUMBSKULL!" Papyrus hissed, jabbing his sternum repeatedly with a long, bony finger. "WE'VE BEEN DOING SOME INTEL, AND OUR INFORMANTS HAVE WARNED US OF HOW POWERFUL HE IS. HIS FAMILY RIVALS OUR OWN, BROTHER. WE CANNOT BE SO CARELESS."

Sans shrugged halfheartedly as he handed back the phone. "yeah, yeah.. so what's the go, then?"

"WE WAIT."

"... an' then?"

An exasperated huff let him know he was starting to really get on his brother's nerves. "THAT IS ALL.. NOW GO TO BED. WE HAVE EARLY BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO."

"ugh, how early we talkin'?"

A semblance of a smile worked it's way up Papyrus' jaw. "EARLY. SO BED. NOW."

Sans laughed and got up, making to leave.

"oh, 'fore i forget. there's a little club down west street that might make us some money. owners already been potty trained, but might 'ave t' teach summa th' gals there some common courtesy.. should i send a couple a grunts to cut a deal?"

Papyrus nodded, going back to his book and waving Sans out with a lazy gesture. "FINE. DO WHAT YOU WANT. JUST DON'T FORGET TO DOCUMENT IT. GOODNIGHT, BROTHER."

"night paps." Sans said, closing the door behind him with a click. There, that would serve that cocky little fucker right. Serve him right for messing with his girl..

He shook his head softly, realising his faux pas, but still not giving a single shit.

He liked the sound of it too much to stop now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drew a little something for this chapter [over here](https://wannabuyahotcat.tumblr.com/post/165617900790/ya-gonna-put-botha-ya-hands-up-on-th-table-were). :3


	9. Cracking Good Time

Smoke rose into the air as Sans sat out in the garden, his cigar stuck between his shark-like teeth as he played pointless games on his phone. He was wearing fairly everyday clothes for once, having had to change upon getting back to the mansion from a messy 'job' that morning. When Pap said early, boy did he mean stupidly fucking early. Sans was still dozing off in the car on the way there. Which was bad, because he was driving. If poor Papyrus had a heart, it would have been arresting when he realised Sans was falling asleep at the wheel.

A bottles worth of water in the eyesocket will do wonders to wake a guy.

He mulled over a game of solitaire, taking another drag of his cigar and blowing rings to the cloudy sky. His black, fur-trimmed jacket absorbing the smell easily in it's ring of fluff. It was his comfy jacket. Had it as long as he could remember. Did Papyrus get it for him? Hmm, maybe, he couldn't really recall.

Another game won. His score was going up by leaps and bounds, and his winnings rising just as quickly. Shame he couldn't cash it in for real..

Speaking of cashing in, he breifly wondered if Dawn had done anything with his money yet. He could always check, remembering that he had one of those banking apps installed on his phone already. Couldn't hurt.

"200 t' electricity n water.. 600 t' rent, i guess.. 250 t' gas.. 100 t' american apparel- hey, she's actually buyin' nice shit. good."

He felt happier knowing she was 'spoiling herself', even just a little.

He was distracted by the screen door opening and shutting again, soft footfalls approaching him. Toriel, for being such a large monster, was light as air on her feet when she wanted to be.

"Sans?"

He looked up, pocketing his phone as he did. "hey tori. wassup?"

"Oh, just looking for a place to put myself. I've already prepared everything for lunch and done all of the children's washing for today.. I don't know what to do with myself, really." She huffed, sitting down on another chair and plopping her chin into her hand, her elbow planted into her thigh. "I would usually potter around and clean, or garden a little, but I am already intruding enough as it is, so-"

"ya not intrudin' at all, tor." He spoke with a softer cant. "ya welcome t' play around in our gardens.. christ knows som've th' grounds could use a li'l tlc. maybe even a woman's touch. i mean, i try, but i ain't got much'v'a green thumb, ya'know?" He wiggled the offending digit, making her snort.

"Sans, you cad."

She coughed softly, leading to Sans butting out his cigar and throwing it into the pocket of his jacket. She wasn't going to tell him to unless the kids were present, and it was his own space. He knew she didn't like the smoke herself, and the last thing he wanted to do was yellow that brilliantly white fur of hers with his gross second hand smoke.

She thanked him, realising why he had put it out.

"Are you sure you don't mind me doing a little gardening?"

"nah, knock yerself out, tori. i think there used to be a vege patch a bit over there.." He pointed out to a part of the garden that looked fairly overgrown. "feel free t' 'ave a look, do what ya want wi' it."

She sighed happily, straightening back up, dusting her dress as she did. "We should be out of your hair soon enough.. Oh, out of your hair!"

They both laughed at the pun, a comfortable silence falling as she looked out over the grounds.

"Well, I might go start on weeding that back plot then." She said as she stood, stretching and yawning, her sharp canines on full display as she did. "At least until the children arrive home from school. There is some lemonade in the fridge, if you fancy a drink. Help yourself to the fruit salad."

He watched her as she went back inside to go get dressed into something more fitting for gardening work, and eventually he went back to his phone. The banking app was still open, and he was about to close it when he noticed something off.

All of the debits for bills and such were still there, but there had been a chargeback on the $100 she'd spent on clothes. He really hoped that it was a change of mind on her end, and not worrying about spending his money. Nope. He wasn't having that at all. He was already bringing the phone up to his skull after he pressed her number in.

"Hello? Sans?"

He leaned back, placing his other arm behind his head and one leg crossed over the other. "heya, doll. just had a looksie at m' card statement, an' there seems t' be a mistake. why ya done a refund on ya american apparel buy, babe?"

There was silence on the other end for a moment, before she let out a bemused scoff. "Are you seriously spying on my spending?"

"i wouldn't call it spyin', per se. more makin' sure yer actually enjoyin' yerself."

"It's spying." She laughed. "Look, I was going to buy some new outfits, but I just feel wrong spending your money on, heh, frivolities."

He scowled, reaching into his pocket to fish out half of a cigar he still had left, stuffing it between his teeth and lighting it with a flick of his hand. "it's not frivolous if it's somethin' ya need or want. ya gonna order all th' stuff again, plus somethin' extra jus' cause. capiche?"

"Tsk! Don't you capiche me, Sans. I will pinch you." She started to laugh, before it was cut off by a heavy sigh. "Fine.. Thank you. I just grabbed a few pairs of jeans and some new t-shirts, since a lot of my old ones are worn. Might buy myself a nice scarf, or something. Big spending?"

He chuffed, a pillow of smoke escaping into the air. "throw tha' cash 'round, babydoll. spoil ya'self, alrigh? I'll be upset if ya don't."

"Okay! I get it. I'll buy a car then- Joking!" She added quickly afterwards, but he scoffed.

"okay. buy ya'self a car."

"I was really joking, Sans." She muttered, but he was having too much fun.

"i'm not. ya gonna go and get ya'self a nice new car. i know ya already have one, but don't ya got some 'dream car' ya want instead? go on."

"Fuck you, Sans, that's not funny." She snapped, making him actually raise a brow in shock.

"wha's wi' th' venom, sweetheart?"

She was quick to apologise, sighing into the phone before she let herself laugh again. "I'm not buying a fucking car, Sans.. Maybe an extra pair of jeans, or something."

He let out a snort, before lazing further into the chair, his chin resting against his collarbone. Hmm, not as comfortable as he thought it would be. His spine was starting to smart a little. "why not buy yerself some shoes, dames love shoes, dun they?"

"God, you're acting like a sugar daddy, y'know?" She said, meaning it in a playful, not at all serious way. The idea just happened to plant itself into the front of his mind.

"yeah? well, what else ya gonna call me? i like th' 'daddy' bit, particularly." A rolling purr made it's way up his chest, which she could hear clearly on the other end of the line. He was expecting her to say something catty. Anything? The silence he was met with instead was far too uncomfortable. "d-doll?"

"This is why I didn't want to accept your fucking money. I'm not property. I don't want to feel like I'm obligated. To _anything_."

He choked on a ball of smoke, made even worse with the cramped position he was in. He had to sit up again, but once he had righted himself he made soothing sounds down the phone line.

"dawn, babe, i'm not sayin' ya gotta do anythin'. can't i jus' spoil ya fer no reason?"

Again, silence. His soul starting to feel strangely heavy in his chest to the point of almost hurting.

"A platonic Sugar daddy, huh? Is that even a thing?"

The little huff of amusement from her calmed him down, not even having realised he was gritting his teeth once more. This time out of worry.

"if it isn't, it is now ey.. didn' mean t' upset ya, dawn. i jus' want ya happy.. 'n m' not doin' a good job at it, am i?"

"Sans, it's.. UGH! You keep sending me all these mixed signals and it's getting confusing! I-I don't know what to take from all of this. I hate having to second guess every little thing."

"then don't." He said flatly, groaning afterwards with his hand sat over his forehead, the cigar burning with wisps of white and grey smoke. "l-look, i'm a simple guy, yeah? i say what i mean."

"... That doesn't really help.

"will new shoes help?" He offered playfully, glad to hear a laugh on the other end of the line.

"Maybe. Well, I might as well go reorder that stuff, huh. I'll get myself some new shoes.. Actually I think I might need some new work shoes at least. There, you happy now? I'm buying shit."

He sat back up, pulling the stub out from his teeth as he blew out another wall of grey smoke with a snicker. "that'll do, i guess. go have fun, a'right?"

"Okay.. Thanks, Sans. I mean it. Talk to you later."

He hung up, butting the cigar out on the pavers below and pocketing it once again, before getting up and stretching, popping sounds filling the air as his bones moved back into place.

He would have to have a sit down chat with her at some point. Neither of them were on the same page, and it was starting to veer into unhealthy. He had to make his intentions crystal clear. Even if he was having second thoughts on a lot of them.

Oh well, he'd sort things out later. After a much needed nap, of course.

***

When he went down to dinner that night, the three young ones practically bowled him over, two of them chanting "karaoke!" over and over again. Frisk was jumping up and down with them. Apparently Mettaton had managed to convince both Pap and Tori to let him come over for the evening with his new setup to 'run it in'. Welp, guess they were having a karaoke night after food.

"Why don't you invite Dawn over for the fun?" Tori had asked him when he sat down, the rest of the table's eyes falling right on him. Some were curious, a few cheeky. He shrugged after a moment.

"guess i can see if she's busy."

Papyrus picked up a piece of bread for his soup. "I HAVE ALSO INVITED UNDYNE AND ALPHYS, AND LOOX AND WOSHUA HAVE EXPRESSED THEIR INTEREST AS WELL. IT WILL BE NICE TO HAVE EVERYONE TOGETHER.."

"guess yer right, papy. eh, wha' th' hell. i'll give 'er a call after dinner then."

She happened to be free, now that she wasn't working at that forsaken club anymore. It took a little bit of convincing from Sans to get her to say maybe, but once the kids found out he was asking, they were very persuasive to her. Screaming and begging was enough to sway her, as was Sans begging her to say yes so the pain would end. He ended up teleporting to hers to pick her up and bring her back, and she seemed happy enough to be there.

"You don't strike me as a guy who would belt out the classics to a lyric screen, Sans." She said when he had her back at the house, everyone else was in the lounge helping to set up the equipment and snacks.

He shrugged, placing a hand at her back as he led her to the gathering. "eh, i can do a mean meatloaf if i'm drunk enough."

"I'd actually like to see that. How drunk are we talking?" She smirked, and he rolled his eyes, continuing on to the lounge. The kids ganged up to hug her, almost toppling her over like they had done to Sans earlier. They were really, really hyped for the karaoke.

She took a seat in one of the plush armchairs, Sans sitting down on the edge of a very sturdy looking coffee table next to her as they watched Mettaton and Alphys finish off the setup. Once everything was in place, the robot asked who would do the honours of breaking it in.

A surprise to everyone there, Sans volunteered quite happily.

The kids seemed a little bummed that he beat them to the mark, Mettaton handing off the mic to him and taking his own seat while Sans looked up a song to sing. He found one, his eyelights shimmering with mischief and his grin extra toothy. Dawn gave him a 'what are you planning' look, which he responded to by turning the volume up and winking right at her. Oh gods, she recognised those opening bars. Of course he would.

He brought the mic up to his face, and began to sing along..  
  
 _[if](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQYS0QeaCbU) i said y' have a beautiful body,_  
 _would ya hold it against me?_  
 _if i swore y' were n' angel_  
 _would ya treat me like th' devil t'night?_  
 _'f i was dyin' a' thirst,_  
 _would y' flowin' love come quench me?_  
 _if i said y' have a beautiful body,_  
 _would ya hold it against me?_

_now we could talk all night abou' th' weather._   
_tell ya 'bout my friends out on the coast._   
_i could ask a lotta crazy questions,_   
_or ask y' what i really wanna know._

_so if i said y' have a beautiful body,_   
_would ya hold it against me?_   
_if i swore y' were n' angel_   
_would ya treat me like th' devil t'night?_   
_'f i was dyin' a' thirst,_   
_would y' flowin' love come quench me?_   
_if i said y' have a beautiful body,_   
_would ya hold it against me?_

_th' rain can fall so soft against th' window._   
_th' sun can shine so bright up in th' sky._   
_but daddy always told me don't make small talk._   
_'e said c'mon out an' say wha's on ya mind._

_so if i said y' have a beautiful body,_   
_would ya hold it against me?_   
_if i swore y' were n' angel_   
_would ya treat me like th' devil t'night?_   
_'f i was dyin' a' thirst,_   
_would y' flowin' love come quench me?_   
_if i said y' have a beautiful body,_   
_would ya hold it against me?_

There was spattered and sarcastic applause from around the room, coupled with Papyrus venting his frustrations over his brother's song choice. Sans only had eyes in that moment for Dawn, who was smirking at him, a knowing look in her own eyes.

"what's wrong, papy? ya actin' like it was summat crass. i dun get why ya so upset." He joked, Papyrus only groaning louder.

Asriel and the two human children ran up to the stage as Sans tried to step away from the machine, almost stepping on them in the process. "ey! watch were ya goin'!"

He was ignored, of course, the karaoke the only thing on their minds.

"I wanna go first!" Asriel squealed, grabbing one of the microphones up, only for Chara to swipe it from his fluffy hands with ease. "CHARA!"

"Children! If you are going to squabble, then you can all go straight to bed." Toriel warned, quickly de-escalating the tiff, Chara handing the stick back to their brother with a soft grumble.

As the evening went on, everyone had gotten up at least once or twice. Papyrus had managed to belt out at least 5 songs, and oh boy did he belt them out.. Sans had gone up once more with some Meatloaf, Dawn actually quite impressed, even though he was sober.

Mettaton was the only one who hadn't joined in, not wanting to steal the show, of course. Even though Papyrus was pretty much begging him to do a duet.

Dawn had eventually picked something, a little bit of [Martha Wainwright](https://youtu.be/mN78bVtTImI). As she sang, she couldn't help but feel Sans' eyelights burning into her. Looking over at him every now and then she saw he was sitting back in the chair she had vacated, studying her with an unreadable expression. She tried to not let it get to her. He did seem to applaud the loudest when she was done, a nice little boost to her self confidence if she did say so.

The kids were having a blast, Frisk having fun signing the songs along with her siblings singing them.

Of course, all fun things must come to an end eventually.

In the few moments of silence between songs being picked, a tinkling shatter was heard further into the house. Everyone stopped, turning to the direction the noise came from.

Toriel's ears twitched. "Was that a wi-"

A louder smash made Dawn and the children jump. Someone was definitely trying to break in. Who would be stupid enough to break into a house owned by monster mafia?

Papyrus stood up, doing a quick headcount before growling. "EVERYONE IS HERE, IT MUST BE INTRUDERS."

"fuck.. alphys, y' get tori n the kids somewhere safe. undyne, come wi' me."

Everyone already seemed to have a job to do in this situation, leaving Dawn sat down with Woshua and Loox while the boss monsters all ran around. Sans and Undyne were already gone, as were Al, Tori and the kids. Papyrus left to scout out closer to the room they were in and call in backup from the dogs.

Mettaton gently touched Dawn's shoulder as he passed her. "Would you mind helping me plug into the security system? Alphys would, but she went with her ladyship."

She nodded, really just glad to be able to do something to help. She did so, plugging some strange cords coming from the robot's chestplate into an ethernet port in the wall. Another cable running a HDMI port to the TV that was being used to show lyrics, now showing grainy, black and white aerial footage of various rooms in the house. Seems they had a camera in almost every room.

"Sans, where the fuck did you- Oh! Yes, there are two trespassers in the butler's kitchen!" He purred, a little too excitedly for her taste.

She looked across, and sure enough, two figures covered in black were rifling around through drawers, flashlights skipping over the many surfaces. She swallowed, they had guns at the ready.

They could only sit and watch them, before bright lights filled the shot, large spears made of light filling the room and trapping the two where they were stood. The weapons knocked right from their hands in the scuffle.

Undyne rushed in, stepping over to the closest guy. It looked like she was talking to them. So distracted by the conversation taking place, she didn't notice the other crim reaching into his pocket.

It was just as Dawn realised that Undyne was in trouble, that Sans finally appeared, his hand flying up to throw the other up agaist a wall.

"Ooooh, that boy is as good as dead, honey.." Mettaton coo'ed, leaving Dawn with a bad taste in her mouth as they continued to watch the proceedings.

***

Sans had seen the scum going for his other weapon, and he was not having any of that. He teleported the short distance between the doorway and him, throwing him back against the wall, gripping his head in his clawed hand, the gun falling to the ground with a clatter. The fear in the other man's eyes told him that he knew exactly what unlucky position he was in.

"ya think i'm gonna let ya get away wi' breakin' an enterin'? who the fuck are ya?!" Deep red magic billowed from Sans' socket, bathing his white bones and the wall behind the guy in red light.

"Go fuck yerself, Judge!"

Undyne wasted no time in checking the other for any concealed weapons, shoving him down to the floor once she made sure that they were safe. Sans adjusted his grip on the crook's skull as he chuckled, mirthless and deep.

"heh, tha's not a very nice thing t' say t' the guy who's in complete control of whether ya live or die, now is it?" Sans was not expecting this guy to spit into his hand. Ugh, gross. That was completely unnecessary. "ya realise y' just spat in ya own face, dumb shit."

"Y'ALL GOIN' DOWN! YA FUCKIN' FREAKS A' NATURE!" The guy yelled, his voice muffled by the bones of Sans' hand. "Y'ALL GONNA BE SIX FEET UNDER ONCE WE TAKE OVER!"

"Yeah? And who is 'we'?" Undyne growled. He didn't answer, just desperately struggled against the hand holding him, hitting and scratching at it as Sans looked across with a tired expression. They always tried it.

"answer th' lady, ya scumbag."

"I'm not answerin' the fish frea-AHHH!!" A loud crunch filled the room as his nose was crushed, blood running down his chin freely as he choked and tried in vain to pull back. His head was already pressed hard against the wall, so there was no relief to be found.

"tha' wasn't very nice. undyne's a lov'ly lady. great aim wi' those spears a'hers." Sans was just playing now, delaying this asshole's inevitable end out of pure spite. He did not take kindly to fools like them putting his family in danger. "reckon she could get one riiight 'tween ya eyes easy."

More fruitless flailing, and he was starting to get tired of holding the fucker up.

"ya got one. last. chance. ya gonna tell me who ya workin' for, an' why ya here disturbin' our nice evenin' in."

He said nothing, more spit and blood filling up the space between his bones. Ugh, gross.

"ya gonna be a li'l smartass 'bout this, huh?" Sans laughed. "well, be it on ya own head, cunt."

With a sickening crack, Sans crushed the rest of his skull in his hand. Brain matter, blood and bone fragments covering his arm and some of his suit as the sorry sod's head near exploded from the pressure he put on it. Undyne let out a loud hiss, looking the other way. It was too much, even for her.

"heh, not so cocky now, are ya.."

He let go of the body, letting it slump to the floor with a sickening splatter. The shape of his shoulders down left as a clean patch on the now bloodied wall.

"Did you have to make his face explode like that? Jesus fucking Christ!" Undyne snapped, her gills looking quite green, even in the semi-darkness.

Sans was about to make some smartarse comeback, when a pitiful whimper from the floor reminded them that they were not alone. "heh, oh yeah."

The other man was a mess, a mix of snot and tears, as well as some of the blood and matter sprayed from his 'acquaintance'. Sans was about ready to put him out of his misery. He lifted his boot up, Undyne stepping back, when the human looked up and put his hands up. The fear in his eyes was palpable.

"Please! Please I swear I'll tell you everything I know! Please don't kill me! I have a wife n' kids!"

Sans looked across to Undyne, who nodded. He slowly put his foot back down with a scoff, before laughing. "ruinin' all m' fun, kid. a'right undyne, take 'im to th' lockup an' get in contact wit' asgore." He bent down to the man's level, grinning at him. "y'd better spill ya head, or i'm gonna spill it for ya. heh heh heh."

The kid let out a wet sniffle as Undyne picked him up by the crook of his arm and dragged him out, Sans following close behind, just to make sure he didn't try anything. As they walked down to the basement, Sans looked down over his suit. Ugh, another one ruined. Blood was a real bitch to get out of wool.

***

Mettaton switched to the basement cameras, watching where Dawn had left off. She was sat looking away from the screen, her head limply held in her hands, trying to come to terms with what she had just seen. Jesus Christ, that guy's head had exploded like a fucking melon! She had no idea Sans was that strong..

"You poor thing, you do look pale. Not used to seeing the Judge in action?" Mettaton hummed, for once not being a sarcastic jerk about it. "Maybe have a drink of water and a sit down."

Dawn lifted her head from her hands, sighing and rubbing the apples of her cheeks. "I think I just might.."

After a little while Alphys reappeared, followed by the kids and Toriel, who promptly took them upstairs away from everything and to bed. The small lizard monster fetched Dawn a drink of water, rubbing her back while she fought with her stomach. It's not like she hadn't seen that kind of gore before. She had, plenty.. It was mainly the one who had caused it. All she could see in her minds eye was Sans' large, clawed hand wrapping around that poor S.O.Bs face and squashing it like it was nothing.

Papyrus had come back in at some point, snapping her out of her thoughts by inquiring about her well being. She told him that she was just feeling off, nothing that she couldn't get over. He had left with that.

It was another 15 minutes or so until Sans walked back in, pulling his soiled jacket off and rolling it into a ball. He placed it down, using his handkerchief to try and clean the blood off his hands. His white shirt sleeves were stained up to the elbows as well.

"SANS! NOT ON THE FUCKING FLOOR! WE HAVE A HAMPER FOR BLOODY CLOTHES IN THE WALK IN!" Papyrus started, stopping at the glare Sans shot him.

"give me a fuckin' sec boss, i'll go put it away. gotta clean m'self up fir- oh." He looked down as Dawn held out her open pack of wet wipes. She wasn't looking at him, but off to the side, like the wallpaper was the most interesting thing in the room. He could see she was paler than usual.

"Might be a bit more use than a dirty hankie, y'know?"

His expression softened, for once feeling a little ashamed of making such a big mess. Had she seen him take out that guy? One look at the setup Mettaton and Alphys were now dismantling told him yes, yes she had. God, what did she think of him?

Slowly, he took the plastic packet from her. "ta, love."

She still kept her eyes off to the side as she walked away from him, taking a seat in one of the armchairs; the one she had been laughing and happy in not even 30 minutes prior.

Wow, his soul hurt just thinking about it.

"BROTHER?"

Sans' attention snapped back to Papyrus. "y-yeah?"

"ONCE YOU HAVE SHOWERED AND REDRESSED, GO DOWNSTAIRS AND HELP WITH THE INTERROGATION. ASGORE IS ALREADY ON HIS WAY, SO BE QUICK ABOUT IT."

Sans sighed and nodded, wiping at his bloodstained bones with the wet wipes. They did make a big difference, he might have to get himself some. He turned around, about to walk over and ask Dawn if she wanted a ride or port home, but she was already in front of him. Her eyes were affixed to his own dulled eyelights. "heh, ya okay sweets?"

"Would you mind if I hung out in your room while you showered? Then maybe you can teleport me back to mine? If you don't have time, I can get a taxi-"

"nah, yeah, i can give ya a lift. no problem.. follow me, i guess."

She said her goodbyes to the ones still in the room, leaving with Sans. He stopped by a cupboard to offload the bloodied jacket before they went up to his room. He was trying so hard not to get any blood on the carpet. With all the stress Pap was under, that would probably break him, and Sans didn't want to have to deal with that.

Dawn offered to open his door for him to save getting blood on the handle, and he was thankful. He offered her a seat on his bed, disappearing quickly into the bathroom to wash himself, only a little bit self conscious after the last time she was near the room. Bad decisions were made, but at least she seemed to not be holding his mistake against him.

Heh, he'd like to hold something against her- No. He stopped that thought before it could even grab hold, turning on the cold water full blast and stepping in.

Okay, maybe that was a bit much. Jesus, the water was freezing! Any wayward thoughts he might have had now draining down the plug like the blood rinsing from his bones. He had to push a few pieces of skull and brain matter down the plughole with his toes, not something he liked doing, but something he was well practiced in. He knew what could go down and what he would need to clean out afterwards. Eugh, was that hair? He shuddered as he scrubbed at his bones until they were 'white' once more.

In the other room, Dawn was sat back on the giant bed, taking her time looking around. It was borderline pigpen, clothing and papers covering almost every surface. The bedsides littered with booze bottles and overflowing ashtrays, as well as a crumpled porno mag under a bunch of well used tissues. She cringed and quickly looked away. She didn't want to be thinking about that.

Damnit, she was already thinking about that..

Her thoughts were interrupted by the water shutting off, the pipes in the walls giving a creaky shudder.

Back in the bathroom, Sans had shut the water off, content with his cleanliness for the time being. He would need to go at his bones with a wire brush later, but at least now he didn't feel as gross. That feeling returned when he looked down into the bottom of the tub. Ugh, he'd clean it later. It was mostly bone fragments that wouldn't stain the enamel. Hopefully they wouldn't.

He sighed, running his hands down his face, looking around for his..

Shit, he forgot to get clothes before he came into the bathroom. The only thing in there was a towel.

Damnit.

He let out a chuckle as he grabbed the fluffy white towel, the contrast making his bones look yellowed. Once it was well secured around his pelvis, he walked back out into the bedroom, Dawn still sat on his bed. She had her legs folded, her arms holding them there as she gazed around the room.

"sorry it's a bit'ova mess.."

His voice made her jump, her expression shifting to something he couldn't quite pinpoint as she looked at him.

"Uhh.. Nice bones?"

Oh yeah, that's right, he was essentially half naked wasn't he. Why did he all of a sudden feel so self conscious about it. Maybe it was the way her eyes hovered over his bare ribcage.

"ya like what ya seein', doll?"

She went from curious to tomato in mere seconds. "Uhhh, I guess?"

They both locked eyes, barely a moment later cracking up when they realised just how ridiculous it all was.

"heh heh, i forgot t' grab clothes before i went in, ey."

"I see.."

He went over to his closet, pulling out a few things to take back into the bathroom. He was picking out a shirt, when she cleared her throat.

"So, uh.. Do you have to do that a lot?"

"hmm?" He turned to look over his shoulder at her." do what? the crushin' thing?" When she nodded, he sighed, glancing down at his hand. He slowly bent his fingers, pulling them in to form a fist, then relaxing them. "all part'a m' job.. 'sides, s' a quick, fairly painless death.."

Well, that could be the case, if he didn't want them to suffer first, and he knew how to prolong that.

"Just wasn't expecting to see his head go splat like that, y'know.."

She looked bothered by it all, and he felt even worse. Was she worried that he would hurt her? Gods, he hoped not. He would never use his strength against her. He had to reassure her of that.

"i ain't never done it t' nobody who dun deserve it. dun worry. i know m' own strength."

That at least seemed to make her ease up, even if only enough for her to be able to smile at him again. He didn't blame her for being wary. She was a smart woman.

Heh, smarter than he was, for sure.

***

After checking out the surviving intruder, Asgore had decided that he could do the interrogation without Sans around, so that meant he was free to take Dawn home and even stay for a cup of coffee. She had offered one, and he had accepted gratefully. He needed a little something to take the bad taste out of his mouth. Once she had fixed up both cups, she joined him over on the tiny couch.

"Thanks again for letting me use your money, Sans. I've actually been able to get a few things covered, and even a few nice things. At least this fortnight's rent is already taken care of." She sipped at her coffee, looking across at him as he took a gulp of his own. She winced a little at the thought of just how much sugar he had requested, surprised his cuppa wasn't syrup. "Thank you for a lot of things. For the fact that I don't have to stress about being able to afford to live anymore.."

"s'my pleasure, really babe. y' dun deserve to have t' stress about makin' ends meet. s'the least i can do.. i've come t' enjoy ya company, as snarky as it is sometimes." He gave her a toothy gin, making her snort.

They both took sips of their drinks, a beat of silence following where they both looked the other way, her down to the floor, him around the room.

".. What's your end-game, Sans?"

He stopped short of taking another sip, looking up at her with a cocked brow. "wha'dya mean end-game? of what?"

"Of.. This!" She motioned between them. "What is your plan. To finally get me into your bed then discard me and move onto somebody else? Please, just tell me if you plan to do something like that. I'm getting attached and it's gonna mess me up when you finally drop me and take away this net you're building up."

Was.. Was that really what she thought he was going to..

Wow, if he didn't already feel like a pig.

He put his coffee down and took one of her hands, gently caressing over the knuckles with his thumb. They were so small compared to his. "I ain't gonna do nothin' like tha'. ya mean too much t' me.. not gonna lie, at first i just wanted t' get ya in my bed, but.. now? yer my friend, dawn. an' tha' means more t' me than any one night stand ever could." He let out a slow breath, looking back up at her face. "i adore ya, an' i dun wanna fuck anythin' up between us."

She looked from his face, back down to his hands and then to her coffee, before she started to laugh.

"w-what's so funny?" He wasn't sure whether to smile or frown, letting out his own nervous chuckle as she laughed harder. It took her moment to calm down, standing up and gently pulling him to stand as well.

When he did, she grabbed him by his collar, pulling him down and kissing him square on the 'lips'.

At first he floundered, but soon he was melting into it, his hands finding a place at her back as he returned the kiss.

When they finally parted, she looked up and giggled, patting his cheekbone. "Go get some rest, y' big goober."

He went to cup her face with his hand when he saw her eyes darting to it, her head beginning to pull away. His metaphorical heart sank as he recalled her concerns, but he didn't need to worry long, because after her initial wariness she moved back towards it and let him touch her cheek, her eyes fluttering closed. She seemed relaxed, and it filled him with joy. She wasn't scared of him.

That was probably a good place to leave it. He leaned in to place a chaste kiss to her forehead, teleporting away before she could open her eyes. She blinked a few times before she realised what he had done, her smile turning up as she chuckled. She shook her head, picking up the cups and walking away to clean up. She was tired enough after all of that to head to be straight away, and she did.

When he blipped back into his room, he didn't bother taking of his jacket or shoes before falling back onto his mattress. His soul was thrumming happily in his chest, a smile on his face he couldn't wipe off. What a kiss! It made him realise..

Gods, he really had fallen hard for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I said I would have this out in a week.. two months ago.. D:
> 
> I've been so busy with moving, health and discord shenanigans that I've had trouble getting sat and actually writing. I'm glad that I'm finally able to post this. Sorry for the huge wait.
> 
> I just want to say thank you for all the kudos and comments. I'm so bad at unhiding and replying to them, and I'm sorry. Just know I appreciate them so so much, and that I love you guys. :3
> 
> [Tumblr.](https://wannabuyahotcat.tumblr.com/)


End file.
